10th - 16th December 2010 volume 410
December, 15th 2010 19:34 PM

“Van Gough did some eyeball pleasers.

He must have been a pencil squeezer”

(Ian Dury and the Blockheads)

 

 

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

 

Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With Pat

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 16.12.10                                           

For 2nd battalion Duke of Lancaster’s Regiment

 

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

 

I’m the Daddy Christmas

46 year-old electrician; Andy Park has eaten Christmas dinner every day for the last 17 years!

 

Known as Mr Christmas, Andy has consumed 118000 sprouts, 5000 bottles of Moet Champagne and used to spend £11k a year, but now his budget and waistline have moved in opposite directions and measures have had to be taken.

 

He substituted his 14lb turkey for a four-pounder, 9 roast tatties to four, 40 peas to a tablespoon, 40 mince pies to 12 and 7 stuffing balls to 3. His typical day consists of 12 mince pies and a glass of sherry for breakfast. Roast turkey for lunch followed by the Queen’s speech he keeps on video.

 

He said, “People think I’m crackers but I enjoy treating myself and I’m the only one in the world who does it. Others have tried to copy me, but they can’t last. I’m the only one who can hold out.”

 

 

Christmas cringe:

The longest Christmas No.1 hit in the UK was Whitney Houston’s, ‘I Will Always Love You’, which hung around for an agonising 10 weeks.

 

 

Who ate all the pies?

Lobster at Christmas, no? What about Titanic shape ice cubes? No, because Christmas means mince pies but hold on; there’s a new World Pie Eating Champ in Neil Colliers, who scoffed a cooked meat and potato pie in 23.91 smashing the previous record of 35.86 seconds.

 

However, thieves are still at large after stealing a batch of pies that contained Viagra. The stimulant is used as a preservative in the potatoes to keep mushy spuds firm.

 

Gravy’s banned in this prestige event held annually in Harry’s Bar, Wigan, as it aids lubrication when getting that 12 cm x 3.5 cm in depth and 66% meat delicacy down your gullet.

 

Neil from Bolton said he was very proud.

 

 

Come fly with me

Ok, lastly boffins have worked out that Santa can deliver gifts to every child on Christmas Eve. It’s all down to a ‘relative cloud’ - Something to do with Einstein’s theory of time stretched and space squeezed.

 

Dr Silverby of North Carolina State University says, “Rips in time allow Santa months to deliver presents when only minutes have passed on earth.”

 

He goes on to say, “He’ll also have a SatNav, with genetically bred reindeer that can fly and balance on rooftops. He won’t waste time hauling toys on his sleigh as he’ll make nano-toys from soot on each chimney.”

 

Doc Silverby concluded, “Santa’s trip is possible based on plausible science.” – The Doctor is also as mad as a box of frogs.

 

For want of nothing else I’ll leave you with a simple Christmas message; moderate beer drinking reduces the risk of rheumatoid arthritis – it’s in the ethanol you know! So stay healthy folks drink beer and look after your joints.

 

 

 (Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘I think I can squeeze one out here’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘The radio show is good, you’re a funny guy.’ Pat Savage’s publicist!

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I told my mum that I opened a theatre, she said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘I’ll give you an audition, but I can’t promise you anything.’

 

The Boat Lagoon Marina, Phuket – Hysterical Hour – 2-10p.m. every Friday Indian and Western food, caters for parties on and off the premises

Oh, and it’s for sale – if you’re interested contact fool on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com for more details.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

 

www.highstylecondominium.com

 

 

 

Animal news

 

*No animal stories have moved me this week, not even Heidi the cross eyed possum, nor the neighbour who castrated the dog next door for interfering with his own pedigrees, which reminds fool of the German fella who recently castrated his daughter’s boyfriend for being too old for her, he was 57 and her 17, nor even… um…err…what was it now… he literally walked off with his nadgers in his top pocket… not even the Siamese cat who was twinned with a goldfish in Birkenhead… clean off. He survived though…

 

Number crunching

 

*A survey of 3000 managers revealed that showing too much boob at the office is a no-no. Almost half the bosses overlooked workers for promotion based on their appearance. The biggest offence was trainers in the office, an un-ironed shirt, flip-flops and too much cleavage.

 

*Hazel Severson of Sacramento, California finally returned her library book 74 years too late. The 95 year-old was fined £1,700 but let ff the extended loan of Sir Francis Chichester 1930 Tasman Sea.

 

* Prostitutes in Dortmund, Germany are to pay a daily tax of £5 if they want to work in the city centre. Councillors expect to make £600,000 a year on the tax where prostitution is legal, stating everyone is expected to pay tax on their income.

 

I’m off – come on Pig

 

Keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – this week for sure!

p.p.s. no sport, PotDQT and Fras this week, sorry!

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 
 
 

 

Other news