Crazy Fool's Newsround - 10th-16th August '07 Volume 245

10th-16th August '07 Volume 245
August, 16th 2007 03:35 AM

productions presents

That was the week weren’t it

Ne’r mind Kennedy, Di (isn’t she!), Ozzy (isn’t he?) or Scotty, where were you when the King died?

I was ten years old and on a camping holiday with the family in France-land – somewhere down south as I recall – lots of pine trees (totally irrelevant – ignore). I’d just come back from a secluded spot under the pine trees (Bring that point back again) after trying to seduce two lovely French girls the same age as me, who happened to be neighbours of mine, sauce pots they were too, when ominously their father came over to our plot to visit my father with a bottle of wine – ‘shit, I’m going to have to marry one of them’ I thought!

But instead he sat down and cracked open the vino and told my father in broken slur that he’d just heard on the radio that it was in deed a grave day, for, ‘Elvis was finni, kaput, no more, obsolete…’ – and so it carried on like some kind of continental parrot sketch.

Commiserations were sorrowed with the grape with both families and I carried on curling my lip at the two sisters – oh joy – thanks Elvis!

Narrator: That’s beautiful man.

1. Elvis had 18 No.1 hits and 152 hits in the singles charts, but in what country?

2. What is dried in an oast? A) Oats B) Hops C) Wheat

3. What is the name for a blanket-like cloak with a slit for the head?

4. Who wrote the classic song Crazy?

5. In scrabble what is the letter B worth?

6. Who was the first person to reach the South Pole? A) Roald Amundsen B) Captain Scott C) Ernest Shackleton

7. Who was Australia’s leading wicket taker on their 1994-5 Ashes tour?

8. What are the three most highly populated cities in South America?

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - It’s brill – you just click on it and there they are.

WHO AM I? – was won…by loads of folk – but most agitated and who only just pipped the second most agitated was…erm, again, the most agitated, and most agitated because he couldn’t get through by text - and that was a Mr. Legal Eagle, who’s name we’re not allowed to disclose for legal reasons, but who cares because he didn’t actually win did he, no, he was just the most agitated, although he did send in the correct answer only for it not to be ‘heard’ thus rendering him the most agitated, as said. So, without anymore further ado here’s a brand new clue for a brand new WHO AM I? “In…um is it 1749 (wild guess) I went for a walk and have ever since”

is it me?

Now folks let’s hear it for…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine by the bucket here and loads of other stuff too, it’s great – try it, you’ll like it.

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Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: August’s meat tray is out and about – lamb shanks on offer here – check dem out in de classifieds.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am.

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas but only pay for one – I dare you - every Tuesday. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant – is it nearer to you?

More, more, more and more in the *classifieds pages – something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

*Digger & *Trigger share their run down on the AFL season – round 20 I believe Mr. Digger. And the Trig fella will always show you the way to go as the Down Under gee gee’s prepare for the Spring hunt!

*Tit-bits has some advice for the young and a religious thought for the day that is bound to get someone rattled – otherwise it’s not worth it…is it. *Grub – Up has a new fish dish, which hang-on, *Fishman may have caught. And, oi, *Bongo Massif Bro’s – where’s the meat?

Mr. Meaner…piss off!

But now; what did happen in last week’s matbee?

I’d guesstimate there about two and a half wheels strapped onto this World Cup wagon about now and it just keeps rolling along to the start line, err, with a bit of help from the warm up games:

“It goes without saying that France will be a tough nut to crack, not least because they have selected from their 30-man World Cup squad.” – Dally’s words last Friday, which was before Saturday’s game!

It was a game where the English forwards proved to be something of a phenomenon again, which ultimately secured them the bulk of possession. And it wasn’t for the lack of enterprise out back that lost England the game 15-21, but winning ways was to France’s defence…and that man Chabal – Le ‘ell fire of de John le Baptist! – How did someone describe him the other day – oh yeah, a cross between Eric Cantona and Rasputin.

Brian Ashton was angry at his troops; he said so, “I’m angry and frustrated. We worked so hard, put ourselves in a position to win the game, then threw it away.” – They’re good at that.

And there was no doubt about that, although I thought it was good to see Fabien Pelous’ early try in the corner on his 111^th cap. But then as the Ash reiterated, that when all the cards are yours you should play them, “We got over excited when things were white hot and it cost us victory.” – Hot potato, hot potato.

Those were Dally’s thoughts too, “For all the good things we did as a team, we lacked composure when the bullets were flying. France were excellent in terms of organisation and defence. We kept prising open their door only to have it slammed in our faces almost immediately.” – I’m thinking of banning Dally’s thoughts, although he’s got a point about some stray bullets.

Bernard Laporte knew his team did enough and praised their solidarity, “We defended very well against England’s rucks and mauls. Yes, we lost a few lineouts and had a few problems in the scrums early on but having a good defence is No.1 in rugby now.”- Show him the door!

But it was that man the French call ‘The Anaesthetist’ who did the damage in the last nine minutes with a crushing try. The Door summed him up, “To become man of the match when he only played 20 minutes – that’s quite good.” – Yes, very good, and that’s enough of that drivel.

Ireland went down 31-21 to the wily Scots where Eddie O’ described themselves as, ‘feeble at the breakdown’. Scotland’s three tries came from the breakdown as Eddie reminded us, “Scotland were picking and driving and we were soaking up a lot of pressure instead of winning collisions.” – Like that.

Big top-Jock Frank Hadden was happy with his boys and is looking forward to September, “I’m not saying we’re the best side in the world, but if we can get on a bit of a roll we’re going to be very dangerous.” – Scotsmen are always bloody dangerous – they should play at closing time!

Games this weekend see France v England in Marseille. Lots of changes on either side – lots of players with something to prove – lots of sardines in Marseille too!

Wales play Argentina and James Hook has the No.10 shirt – he’s brilliant – he one his first cap and scored his first try against the Argies. And as Welsh centre Tom Shanklin pointed out with this game, “The pressure is on, this game can’t come quickly enough.” – Well, it’s on Saturday and that’s as quick as you’ll get it.

Some other WC news: As Eddie points out about their group of death, “It is not beyond the realms of possibility that ourselves, France and Argentina could lose a game a piece.” - Thanks Eddie.

Jake White has likened Ruan Pienaar to Steve Larkham after their emphatic win over Namibia – mad South African bastard.

The Brisbane 2, ‘porky’ Dunning and Tuqiri are on a midnight curfew in France after they ‘never’ got in a bust up in Brisbane a couple of weeks ago. – Midnight should be terrible eh!

Connolly denies rubbishing the All Blacks saying, “The whole choker thing is just nonsense.” – Splatter, cough, splatter.

And Vickery says this squad has better skills than 2003’, just that in 2003 they were, “A bunch of miserable, stubborn buggers who simply refused to lose.” – A better team

Martin Johnston’s all time XV – the back three this week: 15. Serge Blanco 14. Joe Roff 11. Jona Lomu.

Results:

Canada xv 34-18 Portugal.

Agen 17-6 Georgia.

South Africa 105-13 Namibia.

And alas no Fiji tales this week.

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket:

England’s six year home Test unbeaten record has just been beaten, but was it a disaster? – Nagh – petulance, famine, floods and swarms of boundaries by any French side, God forbid, would be a disaster.

England needed a win to level the series, but with India posting 660billion odd in their first innings it was a tough call. But to their credit, and a lot of persistence by Anderson and Tremlett, plus of course India’s unwillingness to pound on through their second innings with Dravid only notching 12 off 96, England managed to earn a draw, however ultimately losing the series 1-0.

England required 500 from 110 overs on day 5 and KP got his ton, albeit with some sharp eyes with Anil ‘apple’ Kumble. There’s been a few wars in this Test, and KP’s bump into Kumble at the non-strikers end whilst getting out of the way from a throw caused more Indian tub-thumping. KP explains, “Kumble is a fierce competitor and India were trying hard to win – I think I was watching the ball and got in his way. It was nothing serious.” – Sit on the fence – fuck it – the Indians are dirty cheating trouble makers! – can I say that? Just did.

Nevertheless they deserved to win. However you don’t win when your wicketkeeper drops two, especially two in the calibre of Sachin Tendular and VVS Laxman. Aussie Ian Chappelle had his two-bob on the matter, “An old skipper of mine, Les Favell, said that once a wicketkeeper starts costing you games, he’s got to go, Matt Prior is in that case for me.” – How did Chappelle get on this page?

Peter Moores realises Matt’s keeping wasn’t up to scratch but was happy that he was there with the bat at the end on 64* and praised his tenacity, “Matt got to a low place, but showed character being there at the end.” – Beautiful words and physiology eh!

bugger

I like Peter Moores, I think he’ll be and in fact is good for England, even though his summer Tests are at 1 a piece, albeit the other a lowly Windies. He acknowledges Strauss’ difficulties suggesting he’s happy with the way that he’s, ‘tackling his challenges.’ And of himself, “I’ve learned a lot. You need discipline and basics and the confidence to drive these things forward.” – That’s why he’s the coach – bad, bad, bad.

Some snippets: Bell and Colly passed their 2000 Test runs and Giles’ finally retired stating, “Winning the Ashes in 2005 was my fondest memory. And I was very proud of getting 100 test runs and 100 wickets. I have no regrets.” – Should that be 1000 runs?

Other sports:

Mika ‘fuckinghelltheotherfin’ Hakkinen says Alonso is just unhappy about being beaten by a rookie. Meanwhile Hamilton reckons that he and the Diego are talking, and are just healthy rivals, “Fernando and I are fiercely competitive and respectful of each other. We are ambitious drivers who want to win.” – I bet Alonso hates him for saying that too – being so cool and nice!

The war of words on the Mayweather v Hatton fight on 8^th December are gearing up with Floyd calling Ricky ‘fat’ and a ‘punchbag’. Ricky retorted, “The funny thing is he thinks I disrespected him. That’s good coming from a clown.” – Have it.

Wrestler No.108 under 50 dead, fini, kaput…Brian Adams – alas not the Canadian singer! The 43 year old known as CRUSH was a WWE tag team champ in the 90’s – they keep rolling in.

And now it’s time for the world news:

Britney Shears has been romping around in an L.A. Hotel pool wearing only her knickers, shades and a hat – need a hat – with none other than her ex assistant Shannon Funk. That was after she’d had previous with video extra Matt Encinias. A source said, “Britney seemed more into this girl than she has ever been into a guy.” – To prove the point an old schoolgirl friend who shared a French kiss at 16 with Britney said, “Britney liked to experiment. She didn’t care if they were a boy or a girl as long as they were hot.” – What great rubbish eh.

In a recent poll of 2000 people a number, it doesn’t say what number, but a number admitted vacuuming up their pet hamsters, mice and canaries by mistake. – Housewives on speed.

Elvis’ 30th anniversary of his death is today, as you know, and Graceland are holding tribute acts to find the Ultimate Elvis Tribute Artist. 200,000 are likely to turn up to the event with Norwegian Kjell Henning Bjornestad being one – he holds the world record for singing Elvis songs non-stop at 26 hours. Plus Chinese Elvis Paul Courtenay Hyu from South London is competing. He runs a restaurant and sings where he sings to the customers – honest – I’ve been there!

Liverpool airport

Tommy Cooper corner moment No.3: Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

In New Zealand now, and a T.V. crew and an ex Scotland Yard cop, who lives there now, were dispatched forthwith to interview ‘Lord Lucan’, who locals have said has lived in his clapped out Land Rover for years – why only interview him now then? Roger Woodgate, who is not ‘Lord Lucan’ as it turns out, has been denying it for years claiming he’s five inches shorter and ten years younger, he also said his possum, his cat and his goat Camilla could prove it. When interviewed by ex cop, Mr. Ball, he stated, “You’re not Lord Lucan.” Roger replied, “I told him, ‘I know, and I’m five inches shorter.” – He could’ve been standing in a hole.

Lord Lucan

Thames Valley police in England have just employed two 16 year-old special constabularies, who are like real coppers but naff, but they do get to confiscate drink from people and issue drivable offences. Top cop said, “If you’re good enough you’re old enough.” – Every other region laughed at him. – Can you imagine it – Hitler Youth ran by the Pope in Britain moving the football crowd along on a busy Saturday!

British men have the best sex lives in the world – cha right – in that more than half are happy. Only 1 in 7 has an affair. Poland came 2^nd, Holland 3^rd – is this for real? Romania 4^th and the Phillipines 5^th. US were 20^th with Italy last. Men’s Health rag ran the poll and a spokesman from there said, “In Britain, where chivalry was invented, the women are actually getting more gentlemanly attention and conversational interplay with their guys.” – Guys…he’s got to be a poof – it’s blokes.

A woman in the mirror, “Darling, I’m old and fat. Cheer me up. Pay me a compliment.” “Well, your eyesight is still good.”

Liverpool have the hairiest men in Britain, with 56% confessing to more hair other than on their heads – 13.5% admitted to shaving their backs on a regular basis. Glasgow were next on the list with 53%, then Manchester on 48 and London on 42%.

An anti-violence football match staged in Aachen Germany ended up in a mass brawl with five arrests. Police said, “We had thought this game would show local kids that sport was a meaningful way of spending their time.” – Send in the special constabularies.

This in from other bloke down the pub:

‘Vietnamese fishermen flying a Malaysian flag as a decoy while sailing in Malaysia's north-east waters gave the game away by mistakenly flying it upside down.

This is an unusual mistake, because "Stripes of Glory" as the flag is known at home, carries a blue rectangle in its top left corner emblazoned with a yellow crescent and star, while red-and-white stripes alternate on the rest.

Local fishermen became suspicious and tipped off fishing authorities, who detained 13 crewmen after seizing 500 kilograms of stingrays, along with a fake fishing licence, the Star newspaper reported.

"We believe the fishermen were in our waters since Sunday," the newspaper quoted Munir Mohamad Nawi as saying.

The Vietnamese are expected to be charged with encroachment under the Fisheries Act and face a fine or two years in jail, or both, if convicted.’ – It’s the little things init.

Ok lastly, 53 year-old David George (which?) stayed up a tree north of Queensland for a week to avoid to bull crocs who wanted to eat him. He said, “They sat at the bottom of the tree, staring up, waiting to have me for dinner. I’d yell out to them, ‘Not tonight brothers. I’m not falling out of this tree for you bollocks.”

It all started when he fell off his horse, as you do, and the horse fell on top of him, as it does, they were then both confused and lost their way home and stumbled across a crocs nest, where he was sure to know the parents would be near by, so he shunted up a tree and strapped himself to it. The horse hung around for five days then got bored and bolted – which begs belief why he didn’t bolt with it? Anyway, he survived on a couple of meat sandwiches and the occasional dash for water when the crocs fell asleep. After finally being rescued by the Army air force and not before writing his will on his tobacco tin which was a footy tip, he tucked into a bar of chocolate, which he described as, “A gourmet meal.” - God on ya mukka.