Crazy Fool's Newsround - 10th - 16th April 09 volume325

10th - 16th April 09 volume325
April, 16th 2009 19:06 PM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Act 2 scene 2

Very late Sunday night/ early Monday morning: Capulet’s orchard. Romeo (played by fool) advances. Juliet played by Susan Boyle

Romeo:

He jests at scars that never felt a wound

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief

That thou, her maid art far more fair than she.

But not her maid, since she is envious;

Her vestal livery is but sick and green,

And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.

Juliet appears aloft as at a window

Juliet

Is that you chuck? Got any pies?

Romeo

Oh I aint gonna be made to look a fool no more, you done once too often what do you take me for, oh darling there aint no pleasing you…

Narrator: that’s beautiful fool

1. When did Chas ‘n Dave first form?

2. Which U2 member was once the All-Ireland Junior Chess Champion?

3. Who won the 100m gold at the 1988 Olympics and was then disqualified?

4. Spy-writer David J. Cornwell writes under which name?

5. What is the unit of measurement for the brightness of stars?

6. What “-ology’” is the study of birds eggs?

7. Which Dire Straits album included “Money For Nothing”?

8. In the language of flowers what does the herb rosemary represent? A) Falsehood B) Remembrance C) True love

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Under a flurry of guises came he forth as a she from many a pseudo and most likely in the form of Vishnu, Shiva, Kali, Mali, Cup o Tea, Sit on my Knee and Cybil. I’m sure the first three were correct but a tad wary of the other’s. However, tis was the first three that were correctly sent in, simultaneously I may add, and therefore both share the points, which in this case belong to the Dracule and Eagle and one for the Silent Third Party as he bunged one in but not quick enough for a bonus. Just in case you missed them, here are the previous clues again: Clue No.1: “A hybrid of arms, hair and coolness I carried a fiery beat.” – Clue No.2: “In my case six are better than two, although I do go by two names.” Here it is: Clue No.3 “Like one of fool’s pickled eggs I’m a great preservative, especially in Hindu mythology!” And now you’re just in time for a spanking new-un in Clue No.1: “A hip Romeo in my time I’ve developed into something far more sinister on screen.”

is it us?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 14 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those who like bread on your butter; GET A JOB!:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1

Casualty: zip

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read, “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.” And I couldn’t help thinking, “She should move.”

Jimmy Carr

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME NORSE DIETIES

Odin…Gods

Thor…thunder, crops

Freya…passion, beauty

Tyr…battle, law

Loki…mischief

Forseti…justice

Hel…underworld

fool’s Gold

Fickleheaded and fickledeeded are the longest words consisting only of letters in the first half of the alphabet

The avocado has the most calories of any fruit

If each of the UK’s ten million office workers used one less staple a day, 120 tonnes of steel would be saved every year

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Hussy

In the 1600's, in both the American colonies and in England, the word hussy was simply a contraction of housewife. Somewhere along the way, the word began to be used ironically--calling a woman a "hussy" or "housewife" when she was not faithful as a wife is supposed to be. By the nineteenth century, the ironic meaning became the accepted meaning.
"Anyone seen my hussy?"

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Folk who can’t work padlocks – they think they can – but they can’t. It’s always cack-handed, upside down and back-to-front. How do they do it? They must walk into the house after locking the gate with their arms twisted around their left ear. Loop the loop through the holes click it then leave, walk away – not undo it again, hold the key, which is not necessary, in your teeth, with a bag of shopping or other crap on the other wrist and manoeuvre the left arm to the right to bolt back through the holes on the left, twist it up, whilst trying to lock with the foresaid unnecessary key…drop the key, hold the padlock with bag in the contortionist position it is already in and reach down to the ground for the unnecessary key, which you fumble and kick under the gate then lunge forward, opening the gate with your head and have to start all over again, but this time using the right hand. Loop, click, walk away… walk away. Folk who can’t operate padlocks - BASTARDS! – You know what else is goating me this week? Cueing for a lifetime to get out of a bottlenecked gui xe (car park) and the tit in front stops his bike at the designated point, searches in his pocket for the ticket then the other pocket for some change, all the time a horned rabble behind waiting with their ticket and change in hand - what the fuck has been doing the last five minutes in the cue! You know the type – the type that breathes through their mouths and not their nose – Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you, all I need is the air that I breathe – old tunes – sweet love.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #10 (which is really one of the original 9 – can you guess which one it is – is it one of your favourites?)

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009

Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s there now – pretty good to catch all your sport on

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; indulges

*Trigger: treads where no hoof dare go

*cf's radio show: - OUT NOW– new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun – This is the long forgotten Christmas show , but nay fear for the Easter edition will be out soon too!

*Tit-bits – .../...Are you Scottish…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – fool has a brand new menu out – give it a whirl, there maybe something you like – click on the Grub-up menu on the left and order now…or if we’re not ready; order soon!

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one. – Ode to a Pie coming soon…

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and may The Dog be with you! – fishman informs the fool the next catch is almost ready and should be on our shelves soon

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…yes, of course you can finish your sausage roll but then you’re on…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd - packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like a potato – lazy bastard! They’re wind free too (almost)

Mr. Meaner: What next Mr. Potato Head?

Mr. Potato Head:

lazy potato

Don’t forget; the full menu’s in Grub-up!

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

We’re putting the band back together…oh no, sorry, wrong page…

Dazzling us in the footlights of knock-out rugby this week were the quarter final’s of the Heineken Cup. Snuggled up close on the hoof was round 9 of the Super 14’s, where wheat and chaff are being sorted for the play-offs.

And in the shorts we’ll see who’s been bashing up who and who’s been griping about the ELV’s this week.

All brief this week:

Heineken Cup – Quarter Finals:

Cardiff knocked out Toulouse 9-6 in what was not exactly the most riveting of games. - Although it did get lively in the final quarter where le crunch was very apparent. Thierry Dusotoir had two close calls with the chalk but the Blues held out with three punts over the bar from Ben Blair.

Gethin Jenkins pretty much sealed his Lions spot and Blues boss Dai Young was pleased with his side’s performance; “Against the biggest team in Europe we stood up and we were counted, but we’re not the finished article.”

Fabien Pelous wasn’t too chuffed with the ref but didn’t blame him, for what he later suggested had its discrepancies; “The Cardiff defence made it very difficult for us to cross the gain line.” – ‘Bastard ref’, he’s screaming inside.

Leicester edged Bath 20-15 in a simultaneous game of dog fighting and running rugby. Sam Vesty had it sussed; “We’ll dog fight with anyone and we’ll also back ourselves to play intelligent rugby. It’s up to the opposition... We don’t play stupid rugby; we play what’s in front of us.” – Corr, don’t he go on!

Shaun Berne and Joe Maddock finished for Bath and they thought they’d done enough on the 64^th minute then Leicester’s replacement scrum half Julien Dupey snuck a try on the 80^th minute – drama at Welford.

Munster crushed Ospreys 43-9 – eventually. The teams were poised up until the 55^th minute when Munster unleashed their ruthlessness, as you knew they would. Paul Warwick hit home first though for the Irish with a wriggle and side step to open the scores, and Paul O’Connell was lucky to touch down out wide after a move saw Dougie Howlett put a foot in touch.

But they were just formalities, for Lifeini Mafi and David Wallace (another Lions certainty) were true inspirations for the men in red. Geordan put up his hand for the Lions too, as did Tommy Bowe. But in the end it was this year’s – ‘to be winners’ – who stole the show, as Ospreys coach Sean Holly said, “We’ve been well beaten and taught a lesson by a champion team.”

In the game of the weekend and one of the best fool has seen for a while Leinster defeated Harlequins 6-5. It had everything, running, srummaging, kicking, tackling, juggling and some extreme ironing!

This was a true battle and the healthiest of ding-dongs you could hope for; if it wasn’t B.O’D chipping ahead to chase and catch only to be dragged down literally inches from the line then it was Danny Care doing the same at the other end ten minutes later. Both sides tried every trick in the book and the crowd were treated to total rugby. Quin’s relentless attack in the final quarter paid off after phase after phase consisting of the forward tight stuff then Care broke the biff and spun it wide for Mike Brown to touch down out wide. The kick was missed and the battle continued, with the whole of Leinster cheering every tackle as if it were a try.

Leinster coach Mike Chieka said, “That was a pretty tough game. The guys in that dressing room are broken because it was so physical. We had to do a lot of defending, especially in the second half. It was mental as well as physical pressure.” – Mental.

Dean Richards reloaded his pipe and mused, “It’s been a lovely journey but at the same time it’s come to an end and we have to accept that. We gave the spectators value for money and we will continue to do so.” - (off screen) ‘I can drink 17 pints an hour you know’

I think you can work out the semi’s can’t you? – No? Oh, ok; Cardiff v Leicester and Munster v Leinster – both on 2^nd May – Croke Park should be a world record attendance!

Super 14’s

Surprise of the season was bottom placed Cheetah’s 31-6 haul over top placed Sharks. The win was emphatic but left no change to their positions. The Cheetah’s did absolutely everything right and crushed the Sharks, stealing their lineouts, busting the tackles and defended heroically. A big mention to Heinrich Brussow – and that was that.

The Tah’s went down to the Bulls at home 6-20 in a boring kick-fest. The Bulls knew what they were doing – kick for territory and wait for the opposition to make a mistake. Morne Steyn kicked well and Habana finished a nice try, but the ref had a shocker and it seems the only thing the Tah’s did well was to scrummage.

The Brumbies had an emotional win over the Stormers 17-10. In wet conditions they played tribute to the late Shaun Mackay with some good hits and concentrated rugby. The Stormers were a bit ropey come the 3^rd & 4^th phases but did produce the best try of the season in a Jean de Villiers weave, dance, side-step and dummy from the half way.

The Force had it in the bag and then turned gay, yep, gay! They were up 27-16 with four minutes to go against the ‘Canes, and lost 28-27 – didn’t fool say they are the most frustrating team to follow! David Smith snuck one through shameless tackling on the 77^th minute then Cory Jane strolled over in similar a fashion on full time.

Highlanders beat the Reds 24-17 in Invercargill in a thriller, with the Reds playing in white and the Highlanders in red! The Reds, in white, scored after only 23 seconds, when Berrick broke the line, heaved a pass to McLinden who slung it behind his back for Quade Cooper to slot it under the posts. Quade…wasn’t he the bloke with the old man sticking out if his belly in Total Recall? Anyway, the wind and rain came to the arse end of the world and a succession of quick penalties saw the Reds pile on the pressure – enough for Hugh McMenniman to score. The Highlanders then broke through the middle via Bowden who swung it to Shoemake and passed off in the tackle for Kenny Lynn to score. Scott Higginbotham and McLinden raced away in the last ten minutes and found space for Digby to cross the line with 9 minutes to go – what a finish, would they make it – no, they didn’t – never mind.

Some Shorts:

Sgt. Wilko looks very improbable for the Lions tour, as he’s simply not healed yet. Falcons boss Steve Bates said, “If I were a betting man I’d punt that he will not appear in serious rugby until next season.” – There goes my starter! Back to Stephen Jones or Ronan…or Cip!

Leicester’s Alesana Tuilagi received one week ban for an off the ball tackle on Bath’s Nick Abendanon. Bakkies Botha got three weeks for a forearm smash on Phil Waugh’s head, and you know what gets the fool’s goat there – it’s when a scuffle pursued and Bakkies blew a kiss to one of the Tah’s players as they were dragged apart – the blokes 6ft billion 17st and he has to act like a chump in a gentleman’s game by blowing kisses – that’s as bad as spitting on someone – fucking football piece of shite!

Meanwhile, Romanian outfits Dinamo Bucaresti and Farul Corstata had themselves a full on brawl as one lone bloke took a conversion. Two were eventually sent off and the Romanian Rugby Federation banned a further 9! – Probably a few kisses blown there.

Lastly; ELV gripe #24: This week from Toulouse coach Guy Noves – he’s in favour of bringing back the maul and collapsing it, which actually brings fluidity to the game because it takes defenders to subdue it thus giving the game a structure and not some airy-fairy league non-stop battering ram approach. He says, “They were trying to help teams attack and they ended up helping them defend. So I think it’s important to put the maul back into the mix.” – Chant: ‘Put the maul back in the mix…put the maul back in the mix…’

I’m done.

Some competitions:

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

More Free T-shirt’s: send in your Lions team and if it has 8 names the same as fool’s in the starting 15 – you win! One lucky winner so far – well done Mr. B. Patterson from Sarf East London.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

A slap of coming and going’s right now; The IPL’s about to start in South Africa, Australia are playing in South Africa, the Aussie season’s finished and the English one just started and soon the Windies are to play in England after just playing them in Windie-land and then it’s the Ashes in England – confused? Good. Fuck knows what the sub-continent and the Black Caps are doing and are Zimbabwe still a team? And what about those Afghans!

Let’s kick off with the South African Potatoes who sealed their ODI series with Australia with an unassailable 3-1 lead in Port Elizabeth, the Friendly City’ this week. Herschelle Gibbs and AB de Villiers did the damage here with 110 and 84 respectively.

Dale Steyn did the hoo-ha with the ball claiming 4/44 and although Haddin, Clarke and the Punts all got half centuries, their 256 was 61 shy of the required 318. – Friendly City, my arse.

The IPL kicks off this week and Freddie, the joint most expensive player, along with KP, has been quick to point out that playing in this comp is good on many levels, he said, “I have missed so much cricket through injury that I don’t want to miss any more. I’m not saying the money isn’t appealing – but there is a lot more to it.” – He’ll turn out for the Chennai Superkings, which are cigarettes aren’t they!

fool’s gunning for outsiders Deccan Chargers here; they’re a team owned by an English written newspaper in India, the Deccan Chronicle, and it cost the least to set up at a snip of $107m. They came rock bottom last year but big dicks in Gilly, Symonds, Gibbs, Rohit Singh, VVS Laxman and Fidel Edwards may change that, although the experts don’t reckon. Bloke Down the Pub has gone for whoever have got Ronnie Sehwag.

Simon Jones is out of the Ashes before he had a chance to get back in it. He’s up for another op in June. And Vaughan fluffed a chance for England’s vacant No.3 spot at England’s opener for the season in the MCC v’s county Champs Durham, with a poor 12.

fool’s not writing him off for the big one yet though, and neither is the Aussie who got him out. Mitchell Claydon, who played with Vaughan at Headingly for years and said, “He is a class player, I saw that when I was playing for Yorkshire, so I am sure they (Aus) would rather see an England side without him.” – Bloke Down the Pub nearly spat his water out!

Andy Flower’s the top knob of English cricket now and insists his feud with KP is over. He said, Kevin and I have always got on pretty well. As to any detail you’d have to ask him.” ‘Him’ said, “Andy Flower is a totally different bloke without Peter Moores around. We smoothed things over and have a great working relationship now. He has the making of a great world class coach.” – Still hate each other? – Yeah probably.

Lastly Scotland have to beat United Arab Emirates today (Friday) if they want any chance of qualifying for the 2011 World Cup after losing to Afghanistan by 42 runs in Benoni, South Africa.

That’s it.

arse

Other sports:

Sorry, second week in a row – I know; shocking!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Britney Spears 27 walked off stage at her Vancouver concert this week amidst complaints of marijuana smoke – her complaints. The crowd booed then laughed, then giggle then booed, then sang to themselves. Then 40 minutes later she came back on finished her ‘act’ and said, “Thanks Vancouver. You were wonderful. Drive safe. Don’t smoke weed.” – Her mum Lynn 54 confessed that when she was 15 she used to smoke weed and take cocaine in her private jet. A spokesman dribbled, “Crew members were becoming sick because of the smoke.” – Britney is still under surveillance after being sectioned in Jan 08.

Britney

In Barbie doll’s 50^th year she earned ₤2.25b. Beyonce and Jay-Z were the highest paid couple on ₤110m, which is slightly less than Mel Gibson’s wife; Robyn, who is expected to get half of Mel’s ₤640m wad he has stashed under his bed, in their pending divorce settlement. The ‘Son of God’ also has a ₤28m church in Malibu and a ₤10m island in Fiji.

Money’s not the be all though, as ex pole-dancer Anna Nobili proved when she traded her G-string for a habit. The Italian 38 year-old now plies her trade at fetes and hospitals for the Working Holy Nuns of Nazareth House. She said, “My body has changed, so the way I dance has changed too.” – That’s good because people in hospital need fantasies too, and at the fetes… ‘Eyes down for a full house…’

A Norwegian couple were pulled over for shagging in their car this week…on the motorway! Superintendent Tor Stein Hagen of the Soendre Buskeraud Police said, “Why they did it on the highway with such a high risk we don’t know. The vehicle was weaving from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man’s lap while he was driving and doing the deed, shall we say. He couldn’t see much because her back was in the way.” – I wonder how far you’d get on a Honda Wave?

You can do that in Holland. You can do anything in Holland. You can even stay in a hotel that a have rooms made out of 3,000 gallon wine barrels in Stavoreu, Holland. fool likes Holland.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! Phil Spector, alias the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, was found guilty of murder this week after he shot actress Lana Clarkson a couple of years ago. They played Russian Roulette and here’s the tricky bit…five people went before her!

To prove the world’s gone soft, wobbly and just totally insane; Robin Demcjak 57 was arrested and held for 6 and half hours by police after his neighbour accused him of harassment because he kept a porcelain pig in his garden. The neighbour, John Ablett, is a traffic cop! They share a pathway between their houses where Robin has lived for 8 years and John 4. Robin used to have a piggery and it is even disputed whether he can call his shed a sty anymore where he has a sign saying ‘No Pigs’. Robin said, “He seems to think it is offensive to policemen.” – There there plod.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.”

Men think about football more than sex. 60% think about ‘kicking a boot’ for an average of an hour a day, where as less than half that amount do the equivalent for sex. Four in ten aren’t worried about a chick’s education or salary and 30% don’t mind if she’s unfaithful. – It’s a modern world.

Aryton Sidorkin 28 is a tree surgeon from Russia and went to the doctors complaining of chest pains and coughing up blood. Surgeon Vladimir Kameshev said, “We were 100% sure. We did an X-ray and found exactly what looked like a tumour. I had seen 100’s before so we decided on surgery.” He continued, “I thought I was hallucinating. I asked my colleague to have a look, saying, ‘come and see this – we got a fir tree here.” Yep, he had a two inch fir tree growing in his lung, thought to have grown from inhaling a seed. Pneumonia – pah – I want an oak!

It’s good to get it off your chest or in Ivonete Pereira’s case, keep it there, as it saved her life – a wad of cash that was. Ivonete was on a bus journey to Boco de Rio and knew robbers lurked on the highway. Sure enough the bus got caught in a cross fire between police and robbers and a stray bullet hit her in the chest where she stashed her wad of 150 Brazilian reals (₤45). Surgeons still had to remove the bullet from her chest but the money definitely absorbed most of the impact. – Do you believe that? – Nah. Bollocks.

Ok, lastly, Ivan Sokotav 56 and his wife Valentina 51 had to call medics in Kalhuza Central, Russia after getting caught in a Karma Sutra position. They were performing the ‘moderately difficult’ Deck Chair position when they had a muscle spasm. The paramedic said, “The man was so desperate to escape, he eventually pulled himself free but the poor wife needed treatment for her spasm.” The Deck Chair position is where you cover yourself in stripes and have to be careful where to put your fingers when folding.