‘Where's your mama gone (where's your mama gone) Where's your mama gone (where's your mama gone) far far away far far away...Last night I heard my mama singing this song... Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep Woke up this morning with a mahoosive hard on...Ooh wee...'    ‘Woah, woah slow down there Big Bird, you can't...'   Big Bird hit the bottle hard when told he would never fly.

But he could pull de lady-ee's eh... or could he...was he a he? What kind of bird was Big Bird? An early pc freak ambassador, some kind of tranny mixed up Wacko/Glitter type - he was a bit of a dunce, but heavy on the masculine features, except when he was flapping, which come to think of it was all the time - Big Bird you freak, you f***ed me up, you stole my chick illusion, are you a chick...

Heels plough through the mud as CF is dragged away, stunned, rigid, disillusioned, forgotten and forlorn...and a little peckish.

But to hell with the tweets and the cheeps, get your chops around these:

1.The smallest bird in the world is what and comes from where?

2.What is the only English anagram of TOENAIL?

3.If you knew Susie like I know Susie oh oh oh what kind of a gal would she be?

4.Which of our planets is nearest the end of the alphabet?

5.If it takes four men six days to dig a hole 8ft X 8ft how many apples are there in a bunch of grapes?

6.Who said, "scared of Tyson? I'm more scared of your hair-do?"

7.  If you nictitate at someone, what do you do?

Int. rugby down at the Saigon South farm last week saw a hearty turnout of dribs and drabs, droolers and drunks. We moulded well into the mud and slush of the moist rain threatening air that hung limply in our tone. We played under the great hole in the sky (I didn't - still got that gammy leg) for kicks, for fun, for about an hour and a half - what's new I hear you cry? The xbox 360, buy one today, they're in the shops now!

But I digress, Pedro Primo's Play of the Day, was - Nicolas ‘le Dent' Demblans for a safe return on the hallowed SS turf after his lobotomy. ‘That's two Froggies in a row CF, can't be having it, you'll end up in the dock if this carries on.'  ‘Aye aye Cap'n'

Well well well - three holes in the ground! The Autumn Tests have finished eh, and no real shocks, the Blacks won the Grand Slam by finishing their last furore with a bolstering win over Scotland, who were the brave.

That's coming off a whitewash over the Lions in the summer and a Tri-Nations victory after that. There's been daubs and rants about this being the ‘best ever' team ever, and not just an All Black team!

They're good, but are they really THAT good - they haven't played France in 2005 and were beaten by the Boks in Cape Town in the Tri-Nations, and beat England with a forward pass! But let's not split hairs - the Blacks were a delight to watch, let's hope it lasts till ‘07', where they lose to Japan in the semi's!

England beat Manu-et-Manu Samoa with a drizzly kind of performance 40-3. But Moody and his Leicester team-mate Alex Tuilagi got sent off for a great punch up. Lewis can take pride in being the first Englishman sent off at Twickenham, but everyone else thinks he's a c**t. Andy Robinson said, "Obviously it was a physical game, but you can't condone punching, as happened with everyone piling in."   But it was fun.

Wales beat Australia in a tub-thumping game, 24-22. What a match that was - dazzle, grit and shepherds pie with melted cheese on top. Aus are having a tough time of it lately and rightly so. When they get a front 5 it'll be alright.

Eddie Jones might end up being shot though. He says he's till the man for the job and a change could be catastrophic, "I feel in this period of time it's very easy for a side to implode when you've had such bad results." His only problem is that he keeps picking that little tyke Gregan, just to give him his 100^th billion cap - he hasn't been on form since back in the 90's caps region.

Old hand Bob Dwyer is certain of one thing, "I'm certain he is the right guy (Eddie), I think it would set us back at least a year to change course." Good point. Is there anyone else though?

Oh, and Colin Charvis and Martyn Williams still want their jerseys back from, whoever the bastard was who nicked them.

Ah, cricket, Australia whipped the Windies, making it a 3-0 series, and England are battling it out with Pakistan in Lahore in their last Test, hoping for a win to carry on their non-losing streak.

Lara nudged up the rankings to lead the Test run scores, thanks to his 226 in Adelaide. He also went in at number 2 on the LG ICC Test Players podium, just shy of Jacques Kallis. Pity the rest of his team's crap.

Ricky Hatton, probably Britain's best boxer ever, just beat the living shit out of pretender contender Carlos Maussa, and now owns the light welterweight IBF and WBA crowns. He's a good lad is Ricky, but former manager Frank Warren doesn't think so. After their bitter split this week, Frank said of him, "Why should I care? Before he fights again I will have promoted in the region of 12 shows - so do I give a toss about him? No."

George best gone, don't care what anyone says, he was the best and most entertaining footballer in the world. Had a bit of a drinking problem though, I hear. Let's listen to him, "I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep." and "I was probably the first footballer ever to have a pop star profile and my agent was right when he said we could put my name on stair rods and sell them to people in bungalows."

He died of, pneumonia and septicaemia, multi organ failure, gastrointestinal bleeding and immunosuppression following a liver transplant. F**k that lot!

You'd want some happy chemicals after that lot eh. You can get them in the shape of tryptophan, which is found in turkey, chicken, eggs, bananas and nuts. Who's nuts?

Roy Keane going to West Ham, don't believe it.

50,000 whores are reportedly going to be trafficked to the legal brothels of Germany for the World Cup. Police say there will inevitably be some ‘turf wars' more like tuft wars!

The world's first face transplant took place in France this week. A 38 year-old woman had her nose, lips and chin done after a dog bit them off - who d'ya think she'll look like, Nic or John?

Mr. T is back in a new show called, ‘I Pity the Fool' - ooh, thanks very much. He says, "Unlike the other reality shows, it is going to be about helping people. We're not going to be eating worms or swapping wives. For example a lady might write to me saying she's having trouble at a car dealership, because she's the only female employee and the men are harassing her. So I'll go in and straighten things out. I learn about the situation, observe for a couple of days and then call the guys into a meeting and give them the Mr. T rap - ‘I tell you fools, you don't disrespect no lady. My mum is a lady.'"   Errr... Yo, thad right Mr.            Love ya T, love ya.

Girls fart more than blokes - 3 times more in fact. It's in a new book called ‘Really Gross Facts' Also your average sponge has more bacteria in it than a toilet - who didn't know that? 50% of women and 90% of men don't wash their hands after the toilet - unless of course they are being watched. Longest tapeworm inside someone - 35m's. In your life time you will produce enough spit to fill a swimming pool. Eskimos suck the snot out of their baby's noses when they have a cold - so does my nanny on Spud, but she uses a straw! Every year around 14 bugs will fall into your mouth while you sleep and yes, you will eat the majority of them.  If you chop your head off your brain will still operate for about 15 seconds - how do you chop your own head off - I tell you how - dedication, that's how. If you're left handed, your right armpit will sweat more and vice versa.

no more room - oops.

See ya.

cf