‘King Edward has got us pinned down sire; we should make for the hills.' "Aye, but there be where the Jersey's are coming from, maybe we should head for Crinkle Cut woods?" " "Aye aye sire, we'll sauté ourselves into groups and scatter afore they mash us." "Argh, you're a good lad Major Boil, but I think we've had our chips." "Sire, in all due respect, we may have had our chips, but they'll never make French fries out of us...or will they? Ha, ha haaa, haa, ha, ha!"  "Et tu Potato man?"   "Err...just the one sire"

Drag me away from this turnip story, where there are no turnips. Lay me bare from the fruit tree that spawns no sap. Cut me dry from that strange kind of milk that sometimes comes out of blades of grass when you tear it, what is that?

Potatoes, have you had your fill today?

For want of nothing better, have a go at these:

• 1. "It was a mash; it was a monster mash, a graveyard smash..." Who sang it please?

• 2. "For mashed gets smashed"? Remember the advert? Describe it.

• 3. ‘Goodbye Mr. Chips' Is that the title? If so who wrote it?

• 4. From which part of the new world did the potato whence? What year was the Irish potato famine? And in what decade did Mr. Potato Man first don feet, a bowler hat and a dodgy Hercule Poirot-esque moustache etc...?

• 5. Which is the heaviest, a kilo of spuds or a kilo of feathers?

• 6. Nancy fancy bagel and goats' cheese? Traditional spud in its jacket with, say, baked beans or chilli mince? Or French fries with ‘gay' Dutch mayonnaise, what is all that about, not the mayo but bleeding French fries, where do they get off? French fries or Freedom fries, boy, there's some tossers in the world. Anyway, where was I? French fries, coined, phrased and exploited for their complete lack of spud and chip-ness, Where?

S**t, I could go on, but I've had it up to here, I tell ya.

Stuff from the paddock of Int. touch rugby last week was, a hoot kicking the ball a-boot. We had it all, Aussie rules, contact 10's and freedom fries touch. If that lot didn't grab your fancy then there were cold tonics on the sideline.

But as always in these days of want there has to be a Pedro Primo Play of the Day, and why should this week be any different? It doesn't, and so this week it goes to the Trusty Steed who finally agreed to leave the Nam's shores and bugger off home - fare-the-well Trusty.

But gadzooks mien felines, vus about the oompah pa? Exactly, strange European man, where's the gnash?

Right here: Freddie Flintoff's been getting a bit of the old Jesus treatment in Oz lately, from being a bally top dog on psalm Sunday to full on crook in the garden of Gethsemane the next! One minute they love him, the next he's booed relentlessly at the MCC. F.F. reflected on it and said, "Our coach John Wright told me to take the boos as a compliment, which is quite a strange thing to say but maybe true."

But it is fair to say the world xi should be booed, because they have been a bag o' shite and twice as smelly. They deservedly lost the 3 one-dayers, but more's to the point the Aussies deserved to win - something more to play for? You choose. Meanwhile Mathew Hayden had it summed up well when he said, "If we play well then I think we'll beat anyone. And I think these last few days we have really proven that."  See, there's the pudding!

Did I mention that Gilchrist hit a ton off 73 balls; I think that's the fastest in Oz history. Freddie said of him, "When it's Gilly's day, there's not a lot us mere mortals can do about it."  Still, it's a comforting thought to remember him being shite in the summer - no dis Gills.

Some ICC awards this week for the ‘season' Aug 1st ‘04' - July 31st ‘05' were: Freddie won Player of the Year along with Jaques Kallis . For you stat freaks in the 10 Tests he (Freddie) played he whacked 4 half centuries and took 44 wickets at an average of 24.68 a piece. In one-dayers he notched 1 century, 464 runs and 25 wickets. He said, "I didn't expect this at all. I only came for the food."

Kallis on the other hand got 6 centuries in 15 Tests 20 wickets and averaged 41 with the bat in one-dayers.   I don't know what he said.

Kevin Pieterson got the Emerging Player of the year, which wasn't too surprising given the fact you had to be under 26, played no more than 5 Tests or 10 one-dayers. He notched up 3 centuries in one-dayers against S.A. and 2 half centuries in his first Test match. K.P. also got the One Day Player of the Year award and said, "I didn't expect the second award. I'd taken my jacket off and was ready to carry on drinking."  Good lad.

The England cricket team also picked up the Spirit of Cricket award, which Freddie and Kev quickly quaffed

Not in the spirit of cricket though are the English football fans, who's head of anti football hooliganism for the German world cup next year has grave fears. He went to watch England play Wales recently and said of it, "They were drinking without shirts on. They didn't interact with the local supporters, they refer to the war, and it doesn't make a nice relaxing atmosphere for the match."  Tossers.

Not like the old rugger boys. Did you know Lawrence Dallaglio sang on Tina Turners hit record, ‘We Don't Need Another Hero' back in ‘85'. He also sang at Andrew Lloyd Webbers wedding - that's not easy to say, and he's not easy to look at.

Keeping with the rugby for a bit, and Sir Clive is really getting a rubbing now. basically everyone has been calling him a c**t, from Brian O'Driscoll, to Gavin Henson, but the best so far has been from former Lions player and coach Jim Telfer, he said, "Lions rugby is a serious business. It is not about taking as many players and officials as possible to the other side of the world for a holiday." he went on, "I fear it has done some serious damage to the Lions reputation that will take some time to repair."   Clive...NO!

Jona back for 2007 world cup? He says, "I've definitely got some unfinished business in Test rugby."

Right, that's enough sport. In East Anglia, Britain, they got dem big boobies! Half the ladies own a D cup, the average is 36c  what's it in your country?

Early morning sex is good for you - 20 minutes of it is worth an hour.......20 MINUTES!

Wallace and Gromit survived but all their pals have gone up in smoke - literally. A fire at Aardman Animations has wiped out, basically the whole history of the firm. The chicken pie machine that took 5yrs to build - gone. Terry the nervous octopus - gone. The motorbike and side-car - gone. The Wrong Trousers, Sporty Tortoise Frank, Shaun, peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer video - all gone. The police are suspicious and want to talk to the evil Penguin.

Nick Park, creator of W and G was pretty cool though, he said, "Even tough it is a precious and nostalgic collection and valuable to the company, in light of other tragedies, today isn't a big deal." Well, he did just go in at No.1 at the box office in the U.S.

Given time the ‘puppets' will be able to grow back their limbs, just like us! Salamanders can, and they share 83% of our DNA. Prof Gus McGrowther from Manchester Uni said, "It's all a question of money and resources and research and it will eventually happen."

Billy Joel got so depressed once, he tried to kill himself by drinking polish...Na, I'm not having that, tried to polish himself off!

Jessica Biel is the sexiest woman alive, according to a new poll in Esquire mag. I've seen her, she's a sauce. In the older women section winners were, Gong Li, 39. Shazza Stone, 47. And Rene Russo, 51.

In 1949 the Brits did a survey but were too embarrassed to go public with it - it said a quarter of men slept with prostitutes, 1 in 5 men and 1 in 4 women had affairs, 1 in 5 men had a homo experience and half had sex outside!      Who thought they had it in em all those years back - must've been the lard.

A cow can walk up stairs but not down. There are 14 jumpers to a sheep. bears are as fast as a horse and a horse cannot vomit.

Goodnight.       Prim