CF is 150 (not out) this week, and to celebrate he's gonna start proceedings with a quiz. ‘What? You fool, that's not how it's done - where's the baloney?' No baloney this week Chief Craze, just ten quotes from lines of famous, for all the family, songs, that have featured in past CFn's - not necessarily the headliners. Song and artist(s) for a prize. This week's prize: famous (male) moustache cuttings, get the hidden answers to accumulate the set. But now the quiz:

• 1. ‘You gotta know when to hold em..,'
• 2. ‘the traffic lights, they turn on blue tomorrow...'
• 3. ‘God knows, I was only 19...'
• 4. ‘I hope that someone gets my...'
• 5. ‘a cuckoo - a lark or a dove...'
• 6. ‘there's a band playing on the radio...'
• 7. Shush! (Bit cryptic that one)
• 8. ‘and I would walk 5...'
• 9. ‘On the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virg...'
• 10. ‘and I'm floating in the most peculiar way..'

Apparently there's a Welsh chick out there called Charlotte Church, who's a singer, and had a hit called ‘crazy chick'! No relation to CF, but she is having relations with Welsh rugby wizard, Gavin Henson - uck man, CF just keeps rambling on - bonus for the song and artist - worth a free tash!

Before we head onto the Ashes round-up, Pedro Primo's Play of the Day this week goes to, ‘Sydney Chrome Spanners' who were the firm, which the Australian T.V. network went to for adverts, and missed the last wicket at the Test at Edgbaston - ‘Hello hello, is there anybody in there...' Name that tune for a free W.G Grace beard.

All CF prizes are available by begging or answering this simple survey, which is: ‘Who actually reads this?' Be it on the email or in the bog of some battleship cruiser in Saigon. Tick and reply to one of these answers: 1. Absolutely never, you hairy arsed twat. 2. Sparingly, only when forced. 3. Spontaneously, when still drunk in the morning. 4. Cautiously, when you think no one else is looking. 5. Avidly, when you don't care what people think of you.

But now, it's, da da dada da da daaaaaa ASHES Lot: Howzabout that then eh! It had everything for everyone, from a maiden nursing the googlies to a Chinaman hit mid on. Edgbaston, there's a Test folk won't forget. In case you were with Captain Ellen 202 miles up in space in a foam party you might not of heard that England clinched the 2^nd Test by 2 runs, making the series 1 all.

Freddie Flintoff took MOM and most of the accolade but you gotta give a big up yer for Brett Lee, who slogged to the end, Freddie was the first to congratulate him, and said, "You were unbelievable." -  ‘Your unbelievable' song and band?

Freddie, who played the perfect all-rounded game with the bat, ball and in the field laid comment on the game, "It's got to be the most gripping finish I've been involved in - everyone said it was extraordinary and unbelievable Test." There's that word again, unbelievable, believe believe - ‘The Streets'!

Michael Vaughan, who's not one to show much emotion reflected when he said, "I firmly felt we had lost the game and gone down 2-0, we would not have come back against a team like Australia." He went on to hail more praise on Fred, "To beat Australia you need individual brilliance and Freddie was outstanding." He also saluted the rapturous crowd by saying, "The Edgbaston crowd were like a 12^th man." And that they were, hollering, whooping, beering and a snorting.

Ricky Ponting summed up the series so far, "This whole series is being played as though on fast forward. It is stand and deliver cricket." The man who hasn't been beaten in a series in 2 years as skipper went on, "All cricket fans around the world would have been impressed by these first two Ashes matches and they will be glued to it if the standard of cricket stays the same."

M.V. echoed his views; "To have people talking about cricket when the Premiership starts so soon is fantastic." This Saturday to be exact, and West Ham (yes Jimmey and Darren, it's in East Ham) entertain Blackburn!

Slog on, and into the third Test at Old Trafford, and here's some tit-bits: It's Freddie's home ground and his 50^th Test. Lee and McGrath are both fit and well and playing. Geoff Boycott reckons Big Mc. wasn't injured and that he's just an old man not capable of two Tests in a row! He also reckons you should set the Alsatians on streakers. Warney got his ball of the century here in ‘93', which he admits was a fluke - 599 wickets later. His daughter was also born back in Aus when he played here in ‘97'. Just a bit more about that freak-oid wicket machine: He's on 599 wickets, and his last 200 he did over 30 Tests, that's 7 wickets a game! (Will update on close of play). Oh yeah, and K.P's died the blonde streak in his hair blue, in case you don't recognise him. He said it's because he's fed up of getting 50's and maybe this'll help to get a few 100's!

NERDY BITS: England's record v Australia at Old Trafford: P27 W7 L7 D13. Eng's highest total: 627-9d (1934), Aus' highest total: 656-8d (1964). Eng's lowest total: 95 (1884), Aus' lowest total: 70 (1888). Eng's highest individual score: KF Barrington 256 (1964), Aus' highest individual total: RB Simpson 311 (1964). Eng's best match bowling: JC Laker 19-90 (1956), Eng's best innings bowling: JC Laker 10-53 (1956), Aus' best match bowling: H Trumble 10-128 (1902), Aus' best innings bowling: FJ Laver 8-31 (1909). What teams do when they win the toss (last 10 Tests): Bat: 9 Field: 1. Success rate of teams that win the toss (last 10 Tests): W3 L3 D4. Success rate of side batting first (last 10 Tests): W4 L2 D4. So, statistics state there'll be lots of figures!

Just before close of play I'll give you some commentary from Geoff ‘excited' Boycott on Vaughan's ( finished on166) surreal lifeline after he was dropped behind then a ball later bowled, but was a no ball, - Geoff, "Oh, bad luck you Aussies." And, "It couldn't happen to a nicer people." It's full of flavour this series, you gotta love it. If you want a real good laugh (Aussies-you'll like it-not a lot, but you'll like it) check out this website: www.channel4.com/sport/microsites/B/bringiton/bringiton.html

Close of play: Eng, 341-5.

TRI NATIONS: Those Vaali's have done it again, 22-16 against the Boks at Newlands, Cape Town - that's 2 out of 2 for the Bokkies. A quick analysis of that game would be fair to say that Dan Carter was crap, and the Bokkie defence won the game, as they don't really look to have an attack, (as another intercept try showed), although the Bokkies back row were outstanding and walked all over a tired looking Kiwi back row.

As a Kiwi paper wrote and referring to the 7's style rugby the All Blacks like to play, "Surely 22-16 defeat was not only unnecessary but it harked back to high risk days of Carlos Spencer." Mmm Betty!

Graham Henry, and full credit, was gallant in defeat, he said, "We have to give a lot of credit to the Boks, I thought they played very well." Looking towards the Bledisloe in the Telstra Stadium in Sydney on Saturday, and with no points so far, Graham said, "We have a challenge on our hands, haven't we." Yep.

There's a few injuries in both camps, with Kelleher definitely out and Umaga likely to play??? In Aus, Latham is the latest injury. But that's the least of their worries, things aint happy in their camp and former Wallaby prop, Scott-Young wants Gregan and Jones out, a view shared by Kiwi, laugh a-minute, Laurie Mains, he says, "The Bledisloe doesn't look to be under too much threat this year. It's clear that his (Jones) style of management has worn pretty thin with some of his players." He's a right bitch in he, old Laurie; he should have a bitch fight with Brian Moore, they could bitch it up mon.

CF's prediction is a real chopping block affair, and I'll think you'll agree, against all the odds, just like in the world cup semi final, the Aussies will pull off a surprise victory, and let's keep the same scores of the series so far eh: 22-16!

Just quickly, Justin Gatlin won the 100m's in Helsinki in the World Championships, athletics. You might not be into it, but it's a lunch-box for the ladies and a few peaches for the men!

Right, the DELECTABLES: Miss Ellie from Dallas died this week aged 82, ‘never known a girl like you before, just like a song in days of yore, have you come a knocking on my door, no I've never met a girl like you before.' Edwin Collins, no reference to anything, just love the song.

What's that got to do with the price of rice - nothing, but scientists from UK, US and Japan have, nearly, come up with the DNA for rice - that will put pay to pests, drought and disease. And means more curry for us - yeah!

‘But how will that help my drinking CF?' Well, what you've gotta have is a boozers gene, some have it, some don't, you either get pissed on a pint or keep going till death sets in. Boffs from the Uni's of California and Wurzburg in Germany have been carrying out tests on flies! They put them in a bar-like surrounding and expose them to ethanol vapour -"They become hyperactive, uncoordinated and eventually sedated." I wonder if they get a large doner on the way home.

Right, British women like their boobs as their best asset, 52% said so. 10% said legs and 4.9% went for their arse's. What does your country think?

Jessica Simpson from ‘The Dukes of Hazard' is adamant that her boobs are real and she's proud of them, and so you should be Miss Daisy. She said, "If they were going to do any scenes of me walking in a bikini in slow motion, which they did, I was determined nothing was going to bounce - except my boobs, because they're real." There are the signs, if you ever wondered - no bounce and they're wrong-uns. You just know that film's gonna be a hit don't you, even if it is crap.

Fake lesbo's tATu are back...nearly! Richard (from the) Carpenter(s), Sting and Dave Stewart have all helped on their new album - another pile of shite that'll be a hit, as long as it goes on video.

Brazilian bank robbers in Fortaleza, Brazil posed as landscape gardeners in a house opposite the city's Central Bank, then dug a tunnel over 3 months, 260ft long, came up under the 3ft steel floor vault, by-passed the alarms (sniffy) and carried out 3tonnes worth of untraceable notes and coins worth £38 million. ‘My daddy was a bank robber, he never hurt nobody, he just loved to live that way, steal other peoples money...'

Just getting back to nudity quickly and Jane Seymour (54) has been whipping em out. At her age, what's she on? She lolled them out in ‘Wedding Crashers' and said, "In terms of being able to just stand there in front of people without my clothes on, that was definitely interesting to start doing at my age." - That's ok Jane, you carry on, don't mind us.

Meanwhile Sharon Stone, who's just finished filming Basic Instinct 2, said she's a better actress than her flash in the pan (or police cell) notoriety suggests, she said, defending her asset, "I think my performance has held up. The film and the character doesn't stay with you because of the nudity." Yeah, did you see Jaws in ‘My left Foot'? didn't quite pull it off did he!

That's about it for this epic 150th edition except for the classified section: CF willing to trade some jet lag hours next week for some black pudding.

Keep Crazy Fooling, and don't forget to reply to the survey, results out next week.

cf