‘Lolly pops, ice cream, all free today.' Came the sinister invitation again from the child catcher's purse lips. ‘I'm making a break for it' said Eric Von Bristle the longest, oldest and wisest nostril hair on the left side, ‘and if you had any sense Winnie you'd come too.' Winnie had also smelt the looming and fated, shit-scared child's soiled pants and didn't need a second ask, ‘well I'll be plucked.' he shouted back at Eric as he took the southeasterly breeze.

Captain Whiff would like to welcome you all aboard the ‘Malodorous Hum' where we will be sailing right through 2006 and onto the meandering reeking coastline of 2007. Please sit tight and hold on to your nose.

So close the niffy stench of January's greens. A putrid ail of yesteryears slush and slops. Take me out o' this pongy and foul aged oft creams. And gather me to the hail of the aromaticated hops.

I will not stall on heathens old, that reeked of havoc in its own scented pong but lay my soul for future scents that beckon roses from the shite. I am.......

‘That's enough, next.................

Have a sniff at these:

• 1. In what century was the War of the Roses?

• 2. For which role was Dustin Hoffman nominated in 1969?

• 3. In Old English what word meant a field?

• 4. Can you smelt iron ore did you smell it? No, hang on. If you can smelt metal, do you have it - the mettle? If your mettle were smelted, would you smell the metal? Can someone come up with a question here please?

• 5. What makes stainless steel stainless?

• 6. What song has the lines, ‘I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do'?

• 7. What was the surname of Desmond and Molly in ‘Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Da'?

• 8. Which group featured in The Great Rock ‘n Roll Swindle?

Answers from last week (apologies that none of you email types got it - tech problems, but see if you can guess the questions!): 1.Paper Lace 2.Niagara 3.Lion 4. English Channel 5.Noriega 6.4 7.Yarra 8.String.

Int. rugby at the South Saigon stadium didn't happen in the last week of ‘05' due to too much merriment and frivolity from the troops. Instead mental preparation took hold in time for gearing up to the eve's closure. Which it did in time for midnight, which was very well timed really, and for that Pedro Primo presents the Play of the Day...nay, the Year.

Ok, cricket news is that the ‘Is-it's' made a good fight in the 3^rd and final Test against the Aussies at the SCG. But lo, the Aussies are also giving it some toe, that was until the rain came and washed the spider out - no doubt a draw.

There's been some battles in this series and it's good to see the ‘Shampoo Kid' and former No.1 batsman, Jacques Kallis get back on form with 111 in this Test. But surpassing him on the starlight express has been the ‘Skippy's' Skipper, Ricky ‘Punter' Ponting who, and get ready for some numbers here, has become the No.1 batsman, amassing 1,544 runs in 2005. Become the 9^th Aussie to reach 100 Tests. The first Aussie to get 100 in his 100^th Test, making 120 and his 27^th 100. And only the 6^th geezer worldwide to get 100 in his 100^th Test. The other 5 were, Colin Cowdry (Papa New Guinea), Javed Miandad (Spain), Gordon Greenidge (Sweden), Alec Stewart (U.S.A.) and Inzaman-ul-Haq (Wales). Get it, got it, good.

On a heavier note, Warney's gonna be stung for 4m quid by his soon to be divorced missus, Simone (bit like Simon without the e). But they'll still share the same pad, ‘for the sake of the kids'. She said, "It's like we're flatmates."

In other cricket, New Zealand bt Sri Lanka 3-0 in their one-dayer series and S.L. coach Michael Tisser blamed it on the absence of S.L. opener Sanath Jayasuriya, who dislocated his shoulder. Mike said, "Sanath slipped in the bath reaching for his shampoo.".....or reaching for Jacques!

Here's a quandary that C.F. can't answer; sent in by D.Mystified, Saigon, Vietnam, ‘Why is it these days that when bowlers rub the ball on their groin or shirt area for shine, it doesn't leave a red mark, and when did it stop happening? Answers on a postcard please.

In rugby, Tana Umaga may go to Harlequins next year! Gavin Henson's got a 10 week ban for elbowing, and is likely to miss the RBS Six Nations. And Jona, our man Jona, who can't get out of the news, has been jostled by an angry Llanelli supporter who threw the ball away from him, verbally abused him, and even asked him for a fight! The man has been banned from Llanelli's Stradey Park...for his own safety one presumes.

Phil Taylor won his 13^th World Darts Title, a record haul, surpassing the great Eric Bristow by 7. Darts Taylor, darts, darts.

Martini Hingis is back, and she doesn't care much for Maria Sharapova. She said of her, "I wonder what she's got, Sharapova', because I don't see she's got something special." How about tight buns, perk lills and no Teflon forehead!

Ok, some facts for ya; Mobile phones don't fry your brains - and -

Qmag's survey found Radio Head's Ok Computer the best album ever, followed by 2.The Bends-Radio Head 3.Nevermind-Nirvana 4.Revolver-Beatles 5.Definitely Maybe-Oasis 6.The Stone Roses-The Stone Roses 7.Automatic For The People-REM 8. (What's the Story) Morning Glory? -Oasis 9.Achtung Baby-U2 10. Kid A-Radio Head.

Best comedy; 1. Life of Brian 2.Airplane 3.Shaun of the Dead 4.Austin Powers 5.SouthPark 6.Monty Python's The Holy Grail 7.American Pie 8.Blazing Saddles 9.There's Something About Mary 10.This is Spinal Tap.

In 2005, Britain sold 900,000 Platinum Rampant Rabbit Vibrators from their 134 shops - that's one every minute. Next on the list were, edible undies and stress relief boobs! C.F. doesn't leave home without them.

Jan 3^rd is the most miserable day of the year. And J.K's about to start her 7^th and last Harry Potter book, just to see if she can add to her 300m copies in 63 languages and 4 film stats.

W. Churchill wanted to fry Hitler, in 1942 he said, "We shall certainly put him to death. Instrument - electric chair, for gangsters." He weren't too keen on antiwar protester Gandhi either, who was on hunger strike at the time, W.C. said, "Let him die of hunger." And why not?

Yank Evangelists are building a biblical Jesus land theme park type thing in the Holy Land, next to the Sea of Galilee. It's all about J.C's travels. An Israeli tourism officer said, "We want to give Christians more of a reason to come here."       Lions, den, Arabs and bombs spring to mind.

47-year-old Colin Yeates set out on his 10 month, 13,440 mile rowing boat trip around Antarctica the other day and got 30 miles before smashing into rocks off the Falklands. His pal and co-ordinator, Simon Dyde said, "He spoke to me from the beach, watching his boat being wrecked by the waves. Colin is fine but the boat is smashed."   Benidorm next year then.

David Beckham likes nothing better than to chew on bull's ears. He said, "I love eating bull's ears. Grim? No. Lovely, actually." If he had the balls he'd eat the bull's balls.

Soon we'll be able to fly to the moon in 5hrs instead of 2 and a half years. Boffs will create a massive magnetic field that produces anti-gravity force, enough to propel through space pretty quickly, or so it says in the New Scientist. They say a lot of stuff those new scientists.

Out's for 2005; beards on men, and women. In's for 2006; Vietnam News' new found word hiatus.   If you have more send them in please.

I'll leave you with a quote from Arthur Browne, who's written a book called, ‘The Retreat of Reason' all about pooh-poohing the vice of p.c.-ism. He said, "It (political correctness) has become a hindrance to social progress."  Bollocks darky, honky, one-legged lesbian freakoid, jobless, HIV....

 Smell it in the air tonight people's.

cf