(runner approaches through quag sodden trench) "Important message from HQ sir." " Go on..." "Can't remember sir." "Sorry, wat was that? Can't what...?" "Errr...not sure sir..." " Eh! Are you some kind of imbis...s...s..s thing-a-ma-jiggerry...thing boy? "Not sure sir." "Not what...who are you? What are you doing here?" "Ummm...quarter past four sir." "Thank you Biggins-Worth-Ston-Bridge-Stone-y-thing-a-ma-jig. As you were."

Has Anyone Seen My Memory was read by Major F. Up.

One second it's there then ‘pass the mustard.' By all accounts, which in this case the accounts have obviously been written down somewhere, our memories never leave us, and let's hope that Jordan's never do either! God bless those little puppies... Every split second moment of existence that has ever warmed our raging heartbeats has been stored in minute globule-like folders in the brain type thing, ready to be tapped into on a any given nostalgic call. This can easily be achieved by boring a small hole into the base of your ...err, what's it?... post-it. Oh bugger it, let's just give you a quote from the world's most famous non-memorandum of a man, Ronnie Ray-Gun, even though it has nothing to do with memory or mammories, but instead was his opposement to a legislation in protecting national forests, he said, "A tree's a tree, how many do you need to look at?"

But enough of that whatchyamacallit, have this;

1. Who sang, Send me Forget-me-knots, I want you to remember?

1. If a shipment goes by road, a cargo goes by sea, what goes by air?

1. S is the international vehicle registration letter of which country?

1. Cotton denotes which wedding anniversary?

1. In which country is the city Tijuana?
2. What is Bill Clinton's middle name?

1. Which English fast bowler took the first wicket in the 1997 Ashes?

1. What are the three ingredients of a Pina Colada cocktail?

Answers to last week's quiz on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ . No bugger got em, so cf's giving away...sod all this week.

In the WHO AM I?; Round two has reared its ugly head, and comes in the form of, ‘This ass (note spelling) carried the man from bread-less to euphoria.' - What's the matter, too cryptic for yer?

On the http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ front *Digger's wrapping up a couple of teams ready and poised for the final - by the way mate cf did his own, exclusive, survey in the pub the other day and found out that 6 out of 10 nuts are gunning for the Weasles to make the final and close on their heels are the Swans with 5/10. Adelaide and Melbourne had a couple of hits and one daft bugger's only gone for the Bulldogs!

cf's figuring that if anyone knows it'll be that mystic forecaster *Trigger - if he doesn't know his onions on the inner then he does on the hoofed track. - check out his form.

Digger's AFL tipping comp was won by a pommie Sheila, who immediately went out and bought herself a new car - everyone's a winner babe, that's for sure - check out her ride.

Anyone seen them *Bongo Massif bro's?

Don't forget cf's sponsors - a couple of ‘em have links - can you guess which one's?

Ok, enough tosh, let's be having the rugby; ‘cos the bitch, yeah the bitch, yeah the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter o' fact. I can bitch, I can bitch, cos I'm better than you, it's the things that I say, yeah the things that I do whoa wo...' 24-16 The Boks are back - a little late, but most definitely back.

Pretorious and De Villiers are a huge turning point in their back line, and just the tonic to spruce their gin bruisers up front. That and the Aussies set pieces are nothing short of abysmal, whereas the Boks excel in these areas.

Ben Tune, the old hand, mind you he's still only about 17 isn't he? Anyway he says the Wallabies season has been nothing to write home about and was at its best ‘mediocre.' He reckons their game plan is ‘too structured', and compares it to the New Zealanders whose, ‘instinctive ness turns opportunities into points.' - Instinctive ness

Instinctive ness is the Wallabies game plan cf says, but sometimes it just doesn't go your way. Gregan, who played his last international game at Ellis Park, still without a win there, said of the game against the Boks, "They have a good scrambling defence. They work hard and they make you work hard, so when you get opportunities you have to take them." - If opportunity knocks on your door - don't knock it.

In a couple of rugby shorts, Wilko's out again, medial knee ligaments - same as cf. He's got to be the most unluckiest man ever to take to the rugby paddock, love him or loathe him, no-one likes to see that, I mean what is it 8 games in three years?

Wendall Sailor-boy wants to return to league. He reckons he's served his punishment and should be allowed to play for St. George Llawarra - they can have him.

Some World Cup qualifiers; Morocco beat Uganda 5-3, interesting game, and S.Korea beat China 100-3, boring game!

Onto cricket now, and England got another ODI win, in the 5^th at Edgbaston. The Saj Mahmood nipped 2-24 and ran a 22 not out, it actually levelled the series 2-2 - there's a surprise on every corner eh!

And Freddie Capt., are you really surprised? Strauss was the obvious main contender and some might say slightly hard done by, and more's to the point England will be hard done by! Has the F got too much on, batting, bowling, arranging, hand shaking...and being a major sporting celeb? He doesn't think so, he says, "I enjoy playing cricket. I'm never going to lose sight of that. A lot of people are doing my worrying for me." - Hats off to ya big fella.

Warney thinks they've got it right too, he said, "Freddie is a fantastic player. He's a great leader and they can't go wrong by picking him." Shane then went on to get hit on the bonce playing for Hampshire against Worcestershire by fellow Aussie Matt Mason and required 4 stitches above his right eye.

Back on the Ashes and Dave Bisto Graveny said after their trip 4 years ago that England would never tour Down Under with injured players, again. Guess what, there's a 45 strong tour party going Down Under in November with 6...no sorry 7 injuries, Fred(ankle), Giles (hip), Anderson(back), Plunkett(side), Harmy(back and foot), Tresco (stress), although bloke down the pub reckons he's been fucking a bloke, and the story's ready to come out! And the most recent, Hoggard (side strain). Still, at least they're not gay, except of course Tresco...maybe?

If you're wondering who the 45 are, they are, 16 Test squad, 14 for the academy based in Perth and 15 team management. The WAGs are allowed to go, but are not allowed to be WAGish. Although they will get a daily lunch allowance!

Last week we heard from Langer, now let's have a piece of the K.P. "It is a case of going out there to do the best that we can to make sure that little urn (tea Ern?) is firmly kept in place at Lord's."  - Thank you K.P.

Ok. The Schu's win in Monza moved him up to 2 points behind Alonso with three races left. Renault boss, Flavio Briatore reckons there's something a-foot or even a-yard. He said Alonso's penalty of 5 places on the grid, putting him back to 10^th, for blocking Felipe Massa in qualifying, even though he was 100 metres ahead, was nothing short of mirroring the recent football scandal - he said in comparison ‘Calciopoli (name given to the football scandal) just makes me smile.' - Cheating in F.1. - d'ya reckon?

Ok, the best thing for a hangover is a shit load of booze the night before.

Five cups of green tea a day cuts your chances of dying by 16%. 16%, is that all, fuck it, drink 20.

Warm air brought up from the African southern winds notched up temperatures in Britain last week to 86.4F or 30.2C. Global warming or just an Indian summer, as it was always called when we were kids?

1 in 3 would be girl globe trotters would like nothing better than to trot around the globe with Indiana Jones, according to a recent survey by Phileas Fogg snacks. Second was James Bond and Hans Solo, surely he'd have to go on his own? And third, Superman. Homer Simpson was fourth.

65 year-old Uta Scheider cut off her dead husbands (Heinrich) chopper with a butcher's knife! She then wrapped it in foil and put it in her lunch box to take home from the hospital in Stuttgart, Germany, that was until nurses spotted her. She later told police, "It was his best asset and it gave me so much pleasure." She goes on, "I wanted to pickle it for eternity - he would have wanted it. We called it his joystick. I wanted it to remember him by." - Oh, for Christ‘s sake give her the God damn knob.

On a similar note a Sudanese man has had to marry the goat, which he had sex with. Goat owner Mr Alifi of Hai Malakal, Upper Nile State, Southern Sudan said he heard a noise in the middle of the night, and, "Immediately I rushed outside to find Mr Tombe was naked and engaged in a relation with my goat. When I asked him what he was doing there, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured him and tied him up." After conferring with the village's elders he said, "We gave him the goat, as far as I know they are still together." - argh, sweet!

For related stories see the tit-bits that'll no doubt titillate you on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/

Meanwhile don't forget your manners

cf.