21st - 27th Dec 07 Volume 264
January, 07th 2008 17:19 PM


That was the week weren't it:


The scene: It's AD 117 in the year of our Lord. Roman elite forces are camped (Ooh you bitch!) outside Hadrian's Wall on the night before he (Hadrian) is to lay the last stone and cut the ribbon for the next days grand...errm, well closing. Private crazium foolius and his pal Private Marcus Unconsoleius are on guard during the freezing January night . At first light Hadrian arrives with his wife Corrblimeywhattittnarse. (Narrator:Let's not go down the Python road shall we.) Hadrian is essentially a kind man and when he sees foolius and Unconsolius still chattering like chilled castanets on parade he stops and greets them:


Hadrian: What is your regiment soldier? (He asks foolius seeing he is still bitterly cold.)


foolius: The 14th Fresh Legionnaires Sire (He chatters back through brittled teeth.)


Hadrian: Hmmm, Centurion (He shouts...to the man standing next to him), Centurion these men are obviously loyal and stout soldiers, but nevertheless they are sick, take them to the infirmary and see they get taken care of.


(foolius turns to the cameras and shrugs)


foolius: here comes another case!


Narrator: What have the NHS ever done for us eh.


foolius: Eh, don't start that. And since when did you start being so cheerful?


Narrator: Good point fool, got carried away, one too many sherries – role quiz:


1. Why was the Colosseum called so?


2. What is the name given to a young squirrel?


3. What sort of food is a bisque?


4. Complete the proverb: Penny wise...?


5. What does ephemeral mean?


6. What was the name of John Mayall's group?


7. Which company's motto is 'Ars Gratia Artis'?


8. ? A) B) C)


Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results – and don't forget, if you've got something to say or just want a chat with fool contact him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com look out for his ipod / podcast thingy-ma-jig coming soon!


WHO AM I? The Eagle was on tender talons last week knowing first in would win the hat, thus he was on that proverbial dog at first light. The Dracule fella tried to claim the time difference call wasn't in his favour but fool stressed that would have only counted if he was in a different country. The cule offered a clue to an answer, but no ice was cut as he was only stalling whilst trying to remember the 'no has been's' name, which was of course Rowan Atkinson. So the WHO AM I? Champ for 2007 goes to the one and only and consistently punctual except when he's not; none other than the Legal Eagle. A Carmen Mirander hat is in the post to you sir. Now, for a new 2008 season, let's kick off the bidding with clue No.1: “In my prime, which was around Ad 37-41 I was really something. But will probably not be forever known as little boots.”



*Non-descript trivia moment*



fool's Gold




Phil O'logy, the Wordman's word of the week:



Thanks Phil.


And now, those who can only afford the bus please step aside for…


Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito, wine by the bucket...and sorry dudes, I'm getting myself real mixed up here with the bands...was it Mojo Webb last gig last week and now it's...


GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.


Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book!


Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh December – cometh the Turkey, the Vietnamese turkey, the goose, the duck and the ham – 'We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat!' *classifieds.


Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals!


Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant – is it nearer to you?




*classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^




Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?


*Digger; takes a brief look over this last week's antics


*Trigger will offer up another chance to win back what you lost over Christmas.


*Tit-bits – not sure yet. Here we go...Win 2 tickets...


*Grub–Up is still stuck on Cameron's cod lips – so till quieter times when fool has the space and time – eat trout (New menu coming soon), meanwhile


*Fishman – Wanna bite...It's fish season down on the Island so give him a call – for more details see - *On The Pond.


And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – 2008 could be your season


Mr. Meaner…come clean son. Show your colours.




But now it’s ruggerflyby; and just what did happen this week?


Just some off the shoulder facts for you this week, being Christmas week and everyone being slightly busy an all:


The English Guinness Premiership toodled along, with entertaining, and must be said, hard-nosed Bristol a tad unlucky to halt London Wasps in a 23-23 cold spell thriller.


Although flying high in the Heineken you might be surprised to learn Wasps are fourth from bottom in the domestic league! But then they did have 12 players out for the World Cup at the beginning of the season – smart arses!


Down continent a bit in Gaul and Clermont squeezed passed top flight Toulouse, who had previously been unbeaten in the French Top 14, by 21-17. - Why don't they have a sponsor?


In International land Ashton kept his job for the unforeseeable future, as we know, but he's definitely turned down any entertainment of an idea to be involved in the 2009 Lions tour to MB land.


England will be the team everyone will want to beat in the Six Nations, again. Then they go on tour to New Zealand then they tour Argentina in 2009.


Ashton says he's committed to only one cause – the focus on England's short term immediate projects up to 2009 then in the long run the 2011 World Cup. - I think he's saying he's too busy to be involved in the Lions.


He's also keeping with him forwards and defence coach John Wells and Mike Ford respectfully. Although there hasn't always been that much respect between them in the past, well, perhaps not respect, but they certainly haven't always seen eye to eye. Ashton says that's a good thing, “I don't want to be surrounded by yes men.” - Nope, but scantily clad nymphs doused in Branston pickle would be nice.


Across and down a couple more continents and Australia have snubbed the Argies for a Test in their June window claiming they haven't got a window in June, but can accommodate them a window in July. But the Argies can't window July, as most of their players are committed to European Clubs...windows!


They come third in the World Cup and their only decent opponents they can get are their 'B' team, with no World Cup stars, beating Chile recently 79-8!


The Six Nations have pretty much said no, which they should. SANZAR said they will look again at the 2010 Tri Nations when the next contract comes up for review.


Sort it out SANZAR, they really are your department. - p.s. Did you know Les Cusworth now manages the Pumas!


Keeping in a third of SANZAR country and Lote Tiquiri fullback? - Watch this space.


Latham's gone to Worcester, and there's still Huxley (Shite), Mitchell and some other bloke, but Lote would be fun eh.


He might get a go at the Tah's, “I really wouldn't mind having a crack.” he said, but knowing Lote he probably meant to say crap!


Matt Giteau on the other hand is worrying about his mental aptitude to play fly half for the Wallaby's, he says, “The biggest thing I need to get my head around is the calling structure at five-eighth. When you're at inside centre you don't have to worry about calling. You just go and play there.” - Don't worry mate, just text.


Ok, lastly, is Habana going to Bayonne for the £254k that's been banded about? And Jerry Collin's love child in Devon UK is to be set up financially for life, and no doubt Barnstaple 2nd's can't wait for the yearly visits.


John Smit’s bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : Will be finished in 2008!


  1. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. 8. Braveheart 7. 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.


Other results: not necessary this week...are they?


Some Heineken Cups:

France; Pro D2 8eme Journee:

Ireland's AIB level 1:

Italy; Siera A XI giornata:

Japan Top League:

Scotland's premiership:

Netherlands:

Spain's; Campeonata De Selecciones Autonominees, Final:

Wales: Kincia Minolta Cup round 3:


End rugby here!




Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:


And really, cf has a poor show this week on cricket, poorer even than the infamous '81'


Suffice to say the weather won England a draw against the Lanks on day five, earning them a 1-0 loss in the series, and they earned that loss believe me.


Colly summed them up; “We can't make excuses. We weren't good enough. We haven't been on the ball throughout the Test match.”


Colly popped 29 before getting cleaned up by débutante U.W.M.B.C.A Welegedara. - Yes, it's a real person!


Australia kicked off their first Test against the Indians with a respectable 343 all out on the morning of day 2 – and as I've just looked, they've bowled the Indians out for 196 and are 36 into their own 2nd innings without loss.


Hayden got his 19th home century at Melbourne with 124. That's 5 from his last 6 Melbourne Tests. He also passes Bradman's and Ponting's record, although Bradman got his 18 in 50 Tests, it took Hayden 85 and Ponting 106.



How many's Hayden got in total? 35


Till next week…


Other sports:


Floyd Mayweather's talking about going into mixed martial arts fighting. And it's only just dawned on Ricky Hatton he's pissed off with himself – in fact he says he feels like a girl for losing to Floyd.


“I feel like a woman at the moment. I can't stop crying. All that is missing is a pair of tits. I feel like my world has come to an end. It's going to take a long while for me to get my head round it. But I'll be back.” - Should have stopped at the tits part.



And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong


As mentioned earlier there's not been a lot happening, but let's have a look eh:


An earthquake of 6.8 on Richter's scale hit the east coast of New Zealand's north island last week, just outside a town called Gisbourne – didn't he used to terrorise Robin Hood – and that's the only reason why I'm mentioning this story! - Well that and a tsunami warning wasn't triggered at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Centre in Hawaii. - Get Magnum on the case.


Local breakfast radio DJ in the north of England has be lambasted for playing Van Halen's Jump whilst talking to the Samaritans about a campaign to stop people throwing themselves off the Tyne Bridge!


His boss Tony Horne sympathised to its potential eggshell landing and said, He played the first two notes to the song, which in hindsight was probably not a clever idea.” - Go on, you might as well jump...


cf's book club has inadvertently been adding a book a week, but then I suppose that's what it's all about. So until it gets its own page (Around Christmas time), here's week's 1 - 5: Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! – rating: 4. Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty – If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5. For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann – rated at 3 and curiously enough 4. And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4. Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson – arghhh, a number 3. In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes – to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3


The Ratings go as thus:

  1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.


Here's one that made me laugh; 30-50 year-old's probably drink too much and don't know when to stop, which is probably true, something to do with muscle turning to fat so it becomes easier to woof em down. But here's the funny bit – advice from a Dr Sarah Jarvis, “To help you stick to your limits, you must want to try agreeing a limit with your friend, following one alcoholic drink with a soft drink or taking time out from drinking for other activities.” - What's the point in going to the pub!


Queen Liz of the UK turned Britain's oldest monarch this week when she ousted Vic by one day on 81y's 7m's 31d's. She did it at 5pm GMT on 27.12.07 Although Vic is still the longest running on 63y's and 7m's. - And that's in old money!


Winston Churchill's great-grandson Nicholas Jake Barton got 3½ years for his part in the £6.5m ecstasy haul that, obviously, went wrong. The judge said, “In determining the appropriateness of the sentence the fact the defendant is descended from a hero of the 20th Century does not affect the sentence I impose.” - With the time he's done he'll be out by Feb. It'll be hushed under the carpet by March and he'll be back on the beaches by June.


Crazy Rock n roll capes part XV: Toothless drunk Shane McGowan from The Pogues amazingly turned 50 this week and to celebrate he said, “I'll drink wine, cider and gin and anything else I can find.” - Spoken like a true idiot – don't let Doc Sarah hear you though.


From a web poll of 2000 girls, blokes names most likely to cheat are; 1. Darren, 2. David, 3. Gary, 4. Steve and 5. Kevin.


50 Santa's ran amok in a Christchurch cinema in New Zealand this week, would be better than June I suppose, and tore down cardboard billboards, posters and the Christmas tree, all the while shouting 'Ho fucking ho'. Kate Gorman who was there with her children aged 6 and 7 said, “They asked me, 'Are they Santa's little helpers gone crazy?' and I said, 'no, they are just idiots.'” - And news just doesn't come more riveting than that now does it!


At Christmas time Brits abroad mostly miss Paxo stuffing then Mr. Kipling's mince pies followed by Quality Street chocolates.


A Siberian tiger escaped from San Fran Zoo and killed one man and injured two others. It was shot dead on top of one of the blokes – imagine that – a 400 pound cat with other dead blokes breath on you! It's name was Tatiana (Just in case you didn't believe it was a Siberian tiger!)


Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.21: 'I put a tenner on a horse at 10-1. It came in a ten past two!' - Really not sure I can do any more.


A suspect in a prison cell was given a hash cake by mistake when the drug was seized and stored by the sandwiches. Guess where – yep...Holland.


Ok, lastly, ex model, 50 year old Susan Crawly is £18m quid rich already, which is about tit-high deep in richness, after her three marriages. Now she's dumped hubby No.4 and is going for £5m from him. They have a pre-nuptial agreement, which must have concerned the 63-year-old property tycoon a toad. However the pre-ups count for nothing in Britain, but she says he has, 'hidden tens of millions' in offshore accounts. He agreed to this outlandish statement causing the judge to grant her the money. Wonders never cease.


I don't get it – it was a crap story to finish on, but that's all the fool's got this week – have a blinding new year – where the foolery be seeing you!


just f it


cf

 

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