Arse, tit, wank, bollocks. Computers are cu-ugh-ugh-ughn, I was gonna say that word, but it's a family show so no, but they are naff, they are the most confusing piece of shit junk I have ever come across, and I've come across many a shit junk in my time, I can tell you - ooh err. Yes, anger brings out the course in Crazy Fool, and if you don't like it then you can sail it up your mud canal on a snapping, crusty, hungry clawed lobster.

            Machines, communication and being nice are the bane of any decent folks psyche. Today I've lost data, details, dope, documents, hair, patience, part of my tooth and a miniature mandarin named Mo. I've also just recently had a twenty minute text conversation with my missus (both on our mobiles) on how why and where did she lose her phone! Don't figure - suddenly madness takes control.

            You may play shy or even foe to my colourful lingo, but swearing is the pinnacle of the descriptive type and kind. Those buttery oafs of niceness are cajoling you into falseness, weakness and the giddy aloofness of reality. I had a primary school teacher once, lovely short fat lady with an Elvis curly smile, an upper class convent educated lisp and a lesbians haircut, that was all the rage back in ‘71' She could drink, shave, fart and shower with the whole rugby team and still be nice as pie, that's someone you can trust - that's what I call nice.

            Sidetracking, that's what we need here, lure him away, lure him away - take his mind off sugar and shite - float, calm, wobble, gum, marshmallow, the world's orange and peaceful, black pudding for breakfast, jam roly poly for afters, hell fire for the soul, eyes darting this way and that. Communication breakdown, we're being hit by a virus, save yourselves!

            Crazy Fool will be right back after this mild sedation, meanwhile let's listen to some Bach - down Fido. Over on radio 2 last weeks Int. touch rugby was televised. All had a jolly good time in the spring/end of wet, welcome to the dry season, sunshine. The ball was a majestic, bubbly, bobbly, buoyant boomerang of to and fro-ness. Hither and tither danced the players and all was a delight to behold. An extra player made its debut in the guise of a small Siberian hamster, so cute and cuddly was the furry rodent that if Manuel was there he'd pamper the flea bitten rat with cheese and sirloin, argh it was good to see man and beast at one. But lo, what's this a darting cut inside from a steaming Paget on the wing, past one, past two, spies the gap and only the rodent to beat, never fear, it was no match, with a deft swing from his right boot in mid flow sent our furry friend into oblivion and Mr. Pag on his way to try glory, earning the pair of them Pedro Primo's Play of the Day for their derring do.

            T.V. has laid down its foundation for gallant viewing and last week was no exception. In rugby, Ireland thumped The USA, Aus beat Scotland, this time on a full pitch. The Argies a.k.a. ‘Corned Beef' gave the French their calling card, N.Z. were lucky to hold onto a 26-25 win over an unlucky Wales and England came on song to smash the Boks 32-16.

            This week there's even more fun at the circus, France v N.Z. - always a good battle, Ireland host Argentina - got to be interesting, Italy versus USA, come on you Iti's, Scotland look for a big win against the Boks and England play Australia - that's a game where surly England must be favourites, given home advantage and recent form, but you can never right off Australia in sport, especially against England. I'm putting my sheckles on the Frogs, Mama Mia's, Paddy's, Jocks!!! and England.

            In basketball Ron Artest, Jermaine O'Neil and Stephen Jackson from Indiana got a 129 game ban between them for having a big punch up with the crowd. They lost collectively 6.5m quid in wages and Artest got a 73 game ban on his own! NBA commissioner David Stern said, "To watch out of control fans throw things at players like that was disgusting, but it still doesn't excuse players going into the stands."   Eh, see they don't mind the fans throwing money at them, i.e. their wages.

            Britain's Andy Farrell won the rugby league's world's most outstanding player of the year, the first Brit for 15 years. G.B. now take on Australia in the tri nations final at Elland Road on Saturday and G.B. haven't won back to back games against the Aussies for 34 years - crikey, what a weekend!

            A bit of sadness in sport last week was Andy ‘the Viking' Fordham having to retire from his darts showdown with Phil Taylor after only 7 games. The 30st lardy oaf succumbed to heat exhaustion and dehydration in the Circus tavern, Purfleet. Phil, 15st his lighter said, "Andy's got to drop his weight or it will kill him."  It's a tough game that darts.

            England look set to pull out of the Zim tour, which starts tomorrow, Mugabwe has cannily banned 9 of England's media papers and T.V. from covering the scheduled 5 - 1 day games. Michael Vaughn said he is ‘flabbergasted', David Morgan said he is trying to broker a deal where they won't lose millions and Mugabwe said ‘kill the white man.'

            Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne were robbed this week of 2m worth of jewellery. Ozzy apparently had the cat burglar by his neck and hanging from a window, but decided not to ‘snap it' in case it gave him - the self confessed ‘prince of darkness' a conscious, instead he dropped the blighter then went back to finish off his Siberian hamster soufflé.

            If you've got a cough eat chocolate that's what the doctors say. Cocoa contains Theo bromine, which is 3 times more effective than codeine. And if you're gonna swim with Great Whites, make sure you've got dolphins there to protect you, which is exactly what happened to 3 girls swimming off a beach in N.Z.

            In a poll taken by 40,000 overseas English learners ‘mother' came out to be their favourite word, followed by passion, smile and love. Favourite quirky ones were, peekaboo, whoops, zing, aqua and hippopotamus.

            Angry blondes have managed to ban ‘blonde' jokes in Hungary. A spokesblonde said, "People are banned from discriminating against Jews and blacks, so why not grant blondes the same protection."  It's only fair - poor yes I know.

            Lastly I'll leave you with some opening lines from films for you to decipher at your leisure.

1. "I believe in America."
2. "Will you watch the hair? You know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it, He hits my hair."
3. "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
4. "As far as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster."
5. "F**k, f**k, f**k, f**k, f**k."
6. "Bond, James Bond."
7. "Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family."

Have fun, drink beer, and smoke tabs.

cf