Clinging onto the flicking fish tail as it traverses through the consommé straits of animation our idiosyncrasies flap closer to the breezes of cuckoo land wherein the realms of madness lie waiting for our annual cerebellum check-up.

            Yes, we're all going mad I tell you, crazy, la la, bonkers, doo lally. We're all smitten by the infatuate declaration that ‘Pottyville' is the holder of our illusions, the flagstaff of our aspirations and the decree of our better judgements. Why, I even saw three people stop at a red light the other day and lo! was that two wins for the Hammers this week?- surely this is just crazy talk.

            Do we burden ourselves to the premises that seriousness is the concise calculated stride of sanity, when all our true convictions want to leap full pelt into the new world-same as the old world order of ‘Nut House Inc.' ‘Yes, you too can join us,' just wait till the bell tolls at work then head to your nearest loony juice salesman at any convenient public house and quaff till the eyebrows start to raise and the eyelids droop, it works for me and my pet ant Bartholomew, oh no, here they come again, don't take me to the dark place, run Barty, run.

            Whilst sobering up on that poorly lit Monday I collected my thoughts and reminisced the weekends outrageous encounter of Int. touch rugby. As we, the local loonies did battle to rid the afternoon of normality, comedy rugby played its most promising role where there were more dropped balls since the soprano boys choir of Aldershot 1973 started to grow beards. Nevertheless the game had its moments, especially at beer o'clock when the clienteles repartee reached its climax.

            Andrew ‘crazy shoes' Derham was the first to dazzle us with his deft footwork, by detangling his own legs he then tied up his own side in knots. Unraveling his meandering stride were Sean ‘demented' Deleu and Duncan ‘deranged' Ellis who both skipped to a tune of sonic boom pace.

            Rugby's brilliance reared its avant-garde tones in waves and for moments the game tick-tocked with delightful precision. ‘Jumping junipers' Johan scourged up the middle with maniacal forward motion, eating up the first 10 ms with eager advances, where ‘Zany' Xavier was there to off load his touch to the ever present JRJ who swapped her jack rabbit pounces for a mad March hares dance and skipped through and around the sometimes cock-eyed defence.

            The ball found some wonderful friends as it passed through numerous attacking hands, especially when out on the right hand side it was delivered from Brian ‘barmy' O'Rielly to ‘silly' Sally, who took it for a step or two then popped it to Travis ‘wacky' Wedge, he then plundered up the centre to the midriff point taking his opposite number with him before befalling the piece of leather to me (potty Prim), I then straightened the line a degree or two, bringing over the cover as I did and fed a long pass to ‘bonkers' Ben Daley, he foresaw the extra man on his outside and mirrored the same move only to put the ball two inches in front of ‘nutty as a fruit cake' Jude.

            This seemed to be the scenario of the day-some great play only to be thwarted by the balls own self deliberate task of having a life of its own in the final phase. But, the gaps appeared on countless occasions with the foresight bellowed out by ‘crackers' Craig ‘are you blind?' Smith instructing the avenues of attack his steady take the touch and sweep around approach worked when concentration was at its peak and master of the absurd Marc ‘Le Frog' was always quick to off balance the ever turning and retreating defence.

            Al ‘mad Frankie Fraser Braveheart' McPhee tormented the opposition with dazzling wing speed and menacing looks that seemed to say "I know where you live" and Anthony ‘anarchic' Johnstone intimated defence lines with powerful running and ‘you wouldn't tackle a pregnant man-would you?' approach.

            But, this week's Pedro Primo's play of the day goes to that king of comedy rugby Brian ‘Dick Emery' O'Rielly for a well executed move in the right hand corner. His side shifted the ball up the paddock inch by inch and touch by touch, eventually sucking in the cover and providing enough room for a final 5m dash to the line, as Brian leapt into action singing to himself ‘this little piggy went to market' he saw the defence doubling back on him at break neck speed so for dramatic effect he chose to dive for the line, lying there on the floor shaking his fists in the air with jubilation he pulled off what would have been a fantastic try had it not been for the fact that he was clear 2ms short, out of touch and consequently out of touches.

            And so to the sanity challenged vacationers of mind who couldn't find us: Chris ‘son of ploppy' Paget was rumoured to be in Manilla shopping for his secret habit of keeping live ‘foot stalls' under his desk for toe tickling comfort and Steve ‘half baked' Carty was in Hong Kong arranging to smuggle back draught Guinness in his pockets, turn-ups and three drip trays wedged in a secret compartment of his executive travel bag.

            Saddam Hussain sadly delayed his appearance again as he was busy digging up his voters after his landslide victory, he then carefully orchestrated them into wailing protesters at the non released prisoners from his goodwill gesture of being re-elected - who said democracy's not rife?

            Glenn McGrath gave us a stunning insight to the result of the Ashes series down under when he said that ‘the Poms are already beaten', whereupon Nasser Hussain tended to agree and decreed the first test in Brisbane on Nov 7^th should be resolved by sledging.

            Muhammad Ali passed on his ‘the greatest' mantle to Lennox Lewis this week at a Parkinsons disease charity fund raising dinner in Canada. He also said that Nasser Hussain should stop delaying and let in the UN weapons inspectors to his crease.

            England put in a bid for the 2007 rugby world cup where the top 16 nations would compete and 32 of the smaller playing countries could compete for a world nations cup. This is obviously a bid to entice the world into rugby and also let America compete in a world series-which involves other countries.

            Barbara Henson 63 from England was awarded 13000 quid after being squashed for 11 hours on a flight from Heathrow - L.A. After being pinned down for the whole duration the 4ft 11inch Barbara suffered a blood clot, torn muscles and sciatica, she is now said to be doing okay and has returned to her thesis on elephantsatonus in Nuttsville university Berks.

            And lastly businessmen in England who said that life in the fast lane is sending them around the bend are seeking therapy with a parrot called Jennie. For 30 quid an hour they said that they found it easier to talk to a bird and now they are not at sixes ‘n' sevens with life but pieces of eight.

See you at the mad hatters tea party on Saturday.

Prim.