In the beginning God created mud, this he denoted as the great leveller. He then gave it a soul mate called grass to go on top. On day 3 he made the elements enabling it to grow. Day 4 he invented chalk to create boundaries, day 5 he put in posts and an oval shaped ball, on day 6 his construction of players was complete, as was the fermentation of his brew and he sat back arse clenched with anticipation and watched his beautiful creation unfold before his very eyes. On the Sabbath he rested and merrily broke wind.

            There's no beating about the bush this week as concentration levels have disappeared into the ether. The world's biggest event since William Web Ellis decided to take his ball home is happening on Saturday and not even Kylie's assets can distract me from that one - well maybe, momentarily, no never or ok just a little, dah, of course they will.

            It's the big one on Saturday and for the Aussies and Poms it don't get ant bigger. Australia pulled off a massive win against the All Blacks by 22-10 and did it in ferocious style, as Clive Woodward commented, "I thought their opening half against New Zealand was the best 40 minutes of the tournament." George Gregan was also quick to back up his team when he said, "There'll always be criticisms. The most important thing is the belief within this team - it's strong." And by golly was he right? The All Blacks were outplayed in every division and had to take the back seat as Reuben Thorne explains, "We're all pretty shattered. The Australians didn't let us play our game."

            As for the English, they also slammed the French but with a little less accolade in their semi, although they scored the same amount of penalties as the Aussies - 5 a piece! Clive summed it up when he said, "I thought our game against the French was very exciting, so if the Aussies think we are boring, they've seen nothing yet. Come on, this is all a good laugh and if we can't enjoy the banter we shouldn't be here." He went on, "Now we can prepare for some serious Aussie Pomy - bashing. So far we're only arrogant, over-confident, imperialist, self deluding and not good at anything."

            The Sydney daily Telegraph captured the picture of the English team celebrating their win with their arms raised aloft in jubilation, the caption read, ‘Hands up if you think we're boring.'  The next day the marauding ‘barmy army' of English fans rigged a poll by the Sydney Morning Herald, which asked its public if the semi-final was, "scintillating", "stupefying", or "dull, dull, dull" - 79% of its 53000 voters said "scintillating"

            Next came the barracking for the lack of tries and David Camp-easy pin pointed the argument by saying, "The weather was not kind to France and we have two teams, who scored 1 try between them in the semi's in the final." Yeah, ok Dave stick to serving coffee mate.

            Ex Wallaby Russell Fairfax was even harsher when he said, "And you can't just put it down to the weather. They've played like that throughout the tournament. They are so bloody boring." I'm not biting, I'm not biting, I'm not biting - git.

            Eddie Jones was not so sharp, perhaps because he's in a little more precarious position, he said, "They play in the pouring rain and people still expect them to throw the ball around. To suggest their style is boring is quite rude." he knows where he's putting his eggs.

            Camp-easy still wasn't giving in though and had one last jab, "The Wallabies pulled off one big sting, knocking out the All Blacks. It would be too much to ask for another by conning the Poms into running the ball." Ha, you won't catch me with my trousers!

            It's definitely been a minefield of cross fire banter and Will Greenwood analysed the situation quite accurately when he said, "I'm slightly freaked out by all this."

            Oh, there was one last comment by Russell Crowe who declared on British radio 1 that Clive Woodward was a ‘tosspot', but who gives a stuff about him? Is he in the final? And he wouldn't fight Oliver Reed on the set of Gladiator - poof.

            That's enough verbal ejaculation on life and death, let's give you a quick run down of the minor events in the world news this week: George ‘eagle' Bush has been gallivanting around the Queen's home in London this week and after the millions spent on security it's nice to know that any Joe Bloggs can get within 6 feet of him, as a photographer proved when he paraded as a footman on her Majesty's carriage.

            The last time the Brits caught someone red handed like that was back in 1940 when the Germans (cough, cough 2 world wars and 1 world cup) caught 3 men in Ireland planning to blow up Buckingham Palace with a can of exploding peas. You won't get our ‘Maj' like that - as if she'd eat processed rubbish.

            Mind you Sharwoods, the curry sauce manufacturers have come up with something close by naming the newest brand Bundh, which means arse in Indian. Depending on how you say it, its slang for bottom in Punjabi But that hasn't deterred the sauce makers and spokesman said, Once people taste the sauce they'll agree it's miles apart from the Punjabi word. Let's hope so.

            There's a new sex drug on the market that you sniff called PT - 141 and it's for men and women, it acts on the brain and stimulates sexual arousal. Tests so far reckon its 70% better than viagra - that's not to be sniffed at.

            Let's hope Jack Nicholson isn't using it after his claims of being a nudist, he said, "I have decided I would get over being self conscious about nudity. I lived in my house as a nudist and once I decide to do something, I don't do it partially. I was nude no matter who came by. My daughter understandably didn't like it." I bet the electric meter reader wasn't too impressed either.

            And Jerry Hall's still worried about Mick and claims he's ‘ill with lust' She said, "I tried for 25 years. I had the patience of a saint but he's an incurable womanizer and not very discreet. I still love him but he needs help."

            And lastly the Barbie twins models are suing Larry Flynt for 6m smackers for publishing naughty pictures of the pair cavorting in his Hustler magazine. They said, "Multi million dollar deals have gone out of the window. We were just having fun." can you believe one of their husbands is actually called Ken - you couldn't make it up.

Go forth and support your team with passion and vigour but don't forget the banter.

Prim