Leg shaking, heart pumping, ball breaking, endorphin enhancing, zit popping, big grinning, eye widening, lust rushing, forward thinking! heaven opening, somersaulting, bungee jumping, tobacco rolling, fish are humming, birds are jumping, I hear Mama singing, down tools cos the weekend's coming.

            That's the blue hairy bare arse facts of what the little adrenalin nodules gear us up for. Our excitement glands commence the frantic dance of a thousand tiny angels' feet tip-tapping on every square inch of our succulent sweet scented bodies, penetrating deep into our internal organs still tip-tapping with just enough zest to stir up the entire body with an explosive charge like a prime bull let lose on the herd on shag and shagability day.

            What floats your boat in the cinema of excitement? Sunday school? Betty Crocker's devil mix chocolate? leather with pvc and aluminium attatchments? or waiting for Friday's opening hours?

            What ever hits your tune in and turn on button do it with zeal, do it with passion, go on, get excited. I dare you.

            It didn't spoil my X-rated grundies, but last week's Int. touch rugby was worthy of a notch or two on the excitement Richter scale. There were some smooth operations, flowing ideas and patches of some almighty bungles, but most of all it was wrapped in anticipation.

            In anticipation of what I don't know, maybe it was the wonder if Mark ‘le frog' was going to pass the ball on his epic journey of running several marathons in one day. And by golly he did, the ball was slung about the paddock at a frenetic pace opening gaps for the first score of the day by taking the ball at speed and through the hole by Florent ‘electrifying' Brunet.

            The precedent had been set then and both sides took their touches to the hilt moving the ball to the open spaces where the predators of points waited in expectation. ‘Stirring' Huong and Amanda ‘ferment' Daley drove the ball on with Ally ‘provocative' Macfee, Dr Richard ‘rousing' Mahoney and Pat ‘exhilarating' Weinhold taking the short ball at speed and with perfect timing. Always making the game line the ball was quickly dispersed again with fresh runners in the shape of Andrea ‘tumult' Pechart who launched into a riveting run only to be caught by a determined defence. Still, there were touches left and with people queuing for the ball we knew we had a game on. Sabrina ‘inspiring' Manhart led the next charge with Amanda ‘moving' O'Neil sticking with the plan and creating havoc to the defence. With the final touch the ball was flung to Mark ‘stimulating' Hughes who darted for the line only to be tagged just short by John ‘thrill' Gavin.

            And so the afternoon progressed with the eagerness of shaving Liam Gallacher's eyebrows! Moments of individual brilliance aroused the kind of tingles only reserved for  half price booze and when Jonathan ‘elation' Lee found himself clear on the wing with a mere 50m dash he took off like road runner leaving a trail of dust , but hot in pursuit and closing fast was Phil ‘invigorating' Pigrim. The race was on and Jon just etching his bets crossed the line first to the roar of an ecstatic crowd only to drop the ball over line, subsequently drowning in his own juices of excitement.

            The ball was now fully content to roam around the park and from deep in his own half Duncan ‘titillating' Ellis took on the mantle, he saw the space on the left and straightened up to suck in the defence and moved it out to me and doing the same I shipped it off to Richard and in turn to Mark. Ally and Florent had covered well in defence and so the ball quickly came back, again through the quick hands of Richard, myself, Duncan and Pat, it spun sharply to the right where Mark had looped and connected with Phil, surely a fantastic try had to come, but back with guts was the wee Vietnamese bloke (who's name I still don't know) who put in a marvelous touch, but by this time Phil and Mark were re grouped and with a simple two on one situation ran in a score which took the accolade of Pedro Primo's Play of the Day.

            So to the anticipators of another kind who were too busy booking Bob Hope and Vera Lynn for some quality R&R time in the Gulf: As war is apparent now, pretty much as it was last August, it seems the allies are quite content to blame the French (excellent). Jack Straw said "We would not have been in this situation if we could have spoken with one voice. France put the UN Security Council consensus beyond reach." Whereas Ian Duncan Smith compared the situation with that of the French commanders on the Maginot line back in 1940 when he said, "They refused to fire their guns in case the Germans fired back. But of course the Germans were always going to fire."

            Meanwhile Saddam is defiant in that he won't go into exile and said "Iraq did not choose its leader by decree of Washington, London or Tel Aviv." no, they had a free democratic vote whereby anyone by the name Saddam Hussain can run for office as long as it's the same person who's been in charge for the past 30 years.

His son Uday is also a bit miffed as the daily newspaper he prints, Babil is not selling so well as half of Baghdad has shipped out along with about 30000 of its troops. Saddam still has his cousin Al Hasson Al Majid (chemical Ali) rallying with him in the south of the city - I wonder what he's like at producing disco biscuits?

            Certain sympathizers in England have stepped up to the cause by banning hot cross buns in schools as not to offend non-Christians. A spokesperson from Tower Hamlets said, "We can't risk a similar outcry over Easter like we had on pancake day. We'll probably be serving naan bread instead." Sounds good to me.

            Sport now: Henry Olonga the Zimbabwean cricketer is seeking asylum in Britain after death threats for treason after his and Flower's democracy protest of wearing black armbands in the world cup. Flower is already living in the UK.

And Andrew Symonds, he's a pom you know, born in Birmingham and stayed there for a massive 18 months, helped Australia into the final with 91 not out against Sri Lanka. The other semi final will see either India or Kenya go through.

            On to rugby and this weekend sees matches between England and Scotland at Twickeham, where Jason Leonard will win his 101^st cap and Simon Taylor the Scot No8 said that they'll ‘have to play like maniacs', that obviously gives them an unfair advantage. And Wales take on Ireland in Cardiff, Jonathon Humphrey's the Welsh captain had this to say "To my mind Ireland are playing better than the English at the moment and they have the best player in the world in Brian O'Driscoll. But we'll rise to the occasion." The other game on Sunday will be Italy taking on France in Rome.

            Finally a ferret who got drunk on the dregs in a recycling bin blamed its inability to walk on the weapons of mass consumption. And honing in on the weapons of mass seduction apparently all comes down to the finger size. To be thought of as sexy the man's ring finger is bigger than the index finger, which comes from pre-birth testosterone and the women's index finger should be the same as her ring finger, according to higher oestrogen.

            On that note I'll leave you to examine your digits to find out if this weekend's going to be exciting for you.

See you on the paddock with glee and hopefully at the Paddy's day bash in the evening.

Prim