They came from the bowels of Armageddon, clawing and scratching their existence on the pittance of opportunity. Wreaking of squalor and depravity, the blood dripping from them was their victims fate. They'd been in the arena of carnage for an eon, they had no morals, they were the ‘Dogs of War'.

            Such were the conditions at Sunday school with sister Mary on lead tambourine and Father O'Hara on closet duty. They were the mongers of indoctrination, the zealots of fire and brimstone, the fanatics of faith.

            In a time when war is the biggest employer there forms a breed that is either dutiful or merciless. Ironically when I was beating the crap out of a seven year old the other day for misspelling extemporaneous I found myself conforming to both codes and subject to my own survival I had become a dog of war.

            In pursuit of this mantle of immorality the Saigon rugby club headed for Vung Tau's dog track to unleash their demonic throes in the shape of Int. touch rugby. Being that it was a mission suitable only for the hardcore a mere nine of us showed up, but by recruiting four locals the rugby soon took effect.

            We eased into the game by getting completely blotto before the game, which made the first twenty minutes measurably difficult on the breathing stakes. Once we had acclimatized to the stadiums surroundings and oxygen seeped into the brain the true spectacle began as did the swearing where everybody responded well to ‘you f***ing c**t.

            As the banter picked up so did the pace and soon the rugby had a carnival Hong Kong 7's feel to it, it was quick and sharp and the skill mirrored that of the Fijians in the 90's.

            Ian ‘mad dog Maginty' private Ryan opened up the try account after some great inter play with Craig ‘Santa's Charlie Chester helper' Smith in midfield. They kept the superb sequence of pass and loop all day with booze induced telepathy. Helping them along with the relentless attacks was Brian ‘pitball' Patterson, who proved his skills along with speed when he charged around the paddock screaming "let dog see rabbit."

            Stoking the ladies fire of contribution was Amanda ‘the hatchet' Daley who did a marvelous job out on the wing. Choosing her options well she took the outside, cut inside, did the hokey cokey and didn't put a foot wrong all day.

            Warming up with double vision at first was Travis ‘trapper' Wedge, but once the alcohol sunk below eye level he used his speed and tenacity to bound into action like a mad hunter after his prey.

            John ‘savage' Boyd utilized the space with some ruthless decisions with some long offerings from Ben ‘blaster' Daley who cannoned out passes without remorse, whilst I Pedro ‘pole axe' Prim scampered around like the Tasmanian Devil with a fire cracker up its arse.

            But who was the master of disaster, the mercenary of merciless, the winner of Pedro Primo's Play of the Day? well none other than granddad Bill ‘bonecrusher' Smith who at 62 proved that sitting around waiting for a prostate operation was not an option. He had magic that he tells us he retained from his youth and undoubtedly ball skills that could match any three-quarter. But it was his defence that stole the day when twice he thwarted the ‘trapper' on the outside, me cutting inside and anyone else who came near him. He may not have retained his legs for speed but kept his wily old wisdom to position himself correctly.

            And now for the sharks who were circling for the scraps in the soup and couldn't be bothered to get out of the water ; Keeping firmly in the water is the ‘UN' armada that are paddling closer to Saddam's desert for ‘exercises' in Feb. It is roughly the size of Saigon and contains four of the biggest aircraft carriers in the world, capable of hitting 700 targets a day, we think it's going to be a bit messy.

            Someone who isn't going is Beraud Jurgen Brandes who put an ad in the paper reading, ‘Wanted : Men for me to kill and eat.' The German described by his neighbours as ‘friendly and polite' advertised for ‘young, well built men to slaughter', perversely he got replies and has the videos to prove it.

            Mac Bosco Chawinga won't give up without a fight though as he proved when clutched in the jaws of a crocodile in Malawi. He escaped by biting the fleshy part of its nose and swam to freedom.

            Liam Gallagher won't be biting much as he hissed his way through a concert after adjusting to his new front teeth. Then when he sang a new blues version of Wonderwall he barracked the crowd for singing along with him by saying "All you c**ts who sang through Wonderwall, I hope you die of hypothermia."

            On a lighter note Mike Bremner from England raised 82 quid for charity when he ate 28 mince pies in a pub naked. This was after hearing the good news that it is now legal in Britain to have sex in public places such as parks, beaches and car parks.

            In Italy they made stunning breakthroughs in medicine when doctors successfully removed a patients liver riddled with cancer and zapped it with radiation before putting it back.

But sadly there is no treatment for David Beckham as he revealed his new mullet haircut. Barney Hoskyns, who wrote ‘The Mullet ; Hairstyle of the Gods' said "someone who from the front might look like a regular person is from the back an untamed party animal- cum - guitar hero - cum - Viking warrior." ‘that's what we see with Beckham!!'

As John Lennon sang, ‘All we are saying is give hair a chance' See you on the pre-Christmas paddock on Sat.

Prim.