Jan leant back against the tough bark of the mimosa tree that lined the small stream on the dusty plain. It was mid February and the drought was in its fifth month, he squeezed droplets of sweat from his neck-kerchief and eyed the trickle of water that ran over the smooth pebbles, knowing that this was the last time he could fill his canteen before the Zulu impi caught up with him, before he could reach Lord Chelmsford's column. He lay back into a deep sleep and dreamt of Tina.

            The sun in all its necessity and ferociousness takes no prisoners whilst you're in its domain. It's an aphrodisiac to begin with, wrangling with our minds, prompting beach scenes and half nudity, well full nudity on some of the beaches in southern France. It plays tricks and unhinges the anchors of secureness, pouring dreams of pure intoxication into our hot blood. Show me the sun and I'll show you horny humans, just look at the Latino's, they've got ample amounts of the stuff and can't get romping off their minds. But then too much of a good thing turns into obsessiveness until you eventually go mad and start looking at small animals in a different light.

            Water is the ultimate antidote, the cooling agent that lubricates the soul, it breeds stability and hope in a deserted vision, it's a splash of inspiration, the battery for accomplishment.....Oh, what the heck, who am I kidding, just drink beer, that's got everything your daily diet requires. For more details enquire at your local Public House.

            Taking heed of such wondrous advice last weekend were a bunch booze activists from the Int. Touch Rugby squad who skittered around Saigon South's dusty plains with a full measure of sun, water and rewarding post match beer(s).

            The sun last week came in with a new entry with 42 Celsius and rocked straight to the top of the charts. This was all very well for a picnic out by the river but not conducive to running rugby. So, it started out with a touch of formality about it and the ball swung lazily through weary hands. That was until Duncan ‘William-Web' Ellis picked up the ball and ran and ran and ran. ‘Come on sun, do your worst' we all chanted and step by step the game quickened as the fire ball melted in the drift of the afternoon.

            Phil ‘hazy' Pigrim cut the kind of lines that Pablo Escuabar would have been proud of and following him in swift support was Jon ‘light' Lee. Together they stormed the defences, keeping them on their back foot. Hurriedly in support was Mark ‘ray' Exton moving the ball away from danger and into the hands of danger men like Sean ‘shine' Deleau who sprinted in half a dozen tries by sheer pace alone.

            The game full of warmth now created great teamwork and Grant ‘full beam' Elder used his long arms to confuse the opposition and changed direction with the ball this way and that, there to back him up was Brett ‘breeze' Wiblen and Florent ‘heat' Brunet.

 Prodding and probing at the defence was the key and Craig ‘Orca-sun' Smith knew how to prod and probe. Working with him in the close quarters was ‘jolly' Jude who consistently did the simple things right, Amanda ‘cast' O'Neil shadowed them both and sent the ball spinning away to ‘mini-Orca-sun' Johan and through quick hands of Mark ‘sunup' carpenter and Ants ‘twinkle toes' Jonstone they created gaps for the likes of Emma ‘ranger 2' Pethybridge to burst through and score a smashing try.

 Whilst the tight play was sucking in defenders space was being created on the outside. With this kind of room players like ‘ranger' Rik and ‘light year' Giang picked off scores at will.

Ian ‘flaming' Private Ryan broke through the middle a couple of times and was destined to score save for the electrifying pace of Mark' silver fox' Hughes who was back in cover defence too many times to mention.

JRJ dazzled her way in for a great solo try from 15ms out, as did Andrew ‘shiny' Derham when he broke free from the middle of the park and out sprinted his trailing opposition. Brain ‘sunblock' O'Reilly celebrated his birthday with some sharp pincer movements and Guy ‘factor 8' burrows left a trail of smoky dust in his wake when ever he got the ball.

Play wasn't over until KC and the Sunshine band played their last song and helping them to deliver this rhythm of tenuto were Mark ‘samba' Sage and ‘hip,hip hooray' Huong. Methodically they distributed the ball to the needy with casual affability. But with all these attributes of skill and finesse none on the day could surpass the demonic like approach of merit to persistence. That goes to the play of the Pict - Ally ‘Apollo' MaCfee, who chased everything all day, supported in attack and scored numerable tries by his own credit, the most notably from a screamer from half way where he took the slightest of gaps and put his head down to run in and clinch Pedro Primo's Play of the Day.

And so to the shady characters who were caught napping under the banyan tree: Sadly Saddam still couldn't be with us at touch as he is said to be visiting relatives in Al Hawijah, 60 miles NE of Tikrit and 50 miles W of Kirkuk. But he did send his half brother, Watban Ibrahim Hasan-al-Tikrit, alias the five of spades in the ‘pack of death' of the top 55 most wanted Iraqi's, but he busted just north of Mosul on his way to Syria. This prompted Donald Rumsfield to say, "We are hopeful Syria will not become a haven for war criminals or terrorists."

This also gives speculation as to the whereabouts of our mate the Iraqi info. Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahif, otherwise known as comical Ali, who has not been seen since 9^th April, giving credence to the rumours that he's hung himself, but before he did disappear he said this of the coalition gains, "I now inform you that you are too far from reality." and of the capture of Saddam airport, "We slaughtered them, and will continue to slaughter them. God is grilling their stomachs in hell." "They are no where near the airport. They are lost in the desert. They cannot read a compass. They are retarded." It is also rumoured that he now owns a chain of tea-shops with Osama in Syria with the $40b that he pocketed from the 10% on government contracts.

So as Saddam's regime is crumbling the country moves on and in a ‘Big Tent' meeting in Ur, the birthplace of Abraham there is the bringing together of Kurds, Sunni and Shi'ite Muslims plus exiles, managed by Jay Garner, a former US general who is to lead the interim government. But some opposition have stayed away, the largest being the Supreme council for Islamic revolution in Iraq led by Abdul Aziz Hakim, who said, "Iraq needs an Iraqi interim government. Anything other than this tramples the rights of Iraqi people and will be a return to the era of colonization." Which prompted British foreign secretary Jack Straw to say, "Politics has broken out."

Moving away from the war, SARS is still doing its best to hold a grip on the paranoia of world. But Germany's pharmaceutical company, ARTUS has made a breakthrough in the detection, by cutting the time from the previous 10 days to just 2 hours, whilst China's turnip sales have rocketed in a belief that they are a cure. As does taking Aspirin, which can prolong life by up to 60% at 1 a day, but then that is if you are over 50 years old - us youngsters will still have to compete with hangovers.

As the smoking ban in New York enters its second week there's been more evidence of its dangers to health, especially when bouncer Dana Blake 32 was stabbed to death in Manhattan's trendy Guernia Club when he asked two men to put out their cigarettes, his brother said, "Dana was the first casualty of the new law."

Paula Radcliffe broke her own world record in last Sunday's London marathon in a time of 2hr.15m.25s. And France won the bid for the rugby world cup in 2007 prompting cries of re-draw from the rest of the civilized world.

Frank Bruno 41 wants to make a come back and fight Audley Harrison the Olympic gold medallist. He says that he needs the 5m quid to pay for his recent divorce, which we all really know is to pay for his acting lessons.

London's Saatchi gallery recently put on a display of ‘living art' by cramming 200 naked people ageing from 18-61 in one room, whereas Tatu, the lesbian pop duo are looking for girls to pose nude for the next album cover - some people are getting too much sun.

And lastly Jayde Hanson is looking for another assistant when his girlfriend Yana Rodianova quit from being his target in his knife throwing show. It all went wrong when live on morning T.V. in England he attempted to break the world record of 120 knives in 2mins, after several gashes to the head she called it a day and it was stopped on 67, she says she's now going back to Hula Hoops.

Keep on target, don't go mad, drink your fluids.

cf