‘Too hot too hot too hot too hot...'

(Specials)

‘Sledgehammer on the head, we steal the cheese right from under his nose?!'

Minnie Mouse may have been a cute dancer and probably great in the sack, but when it came to getting the cheese she was ruthless, a real sawn off shotgun approach, in your face, none of that white collar behind the scenes business - don't mess with Minnie. Risky? She was the dicey micey!

When things are too hot to handle do you bolt, stick or wobble - my old man said be an Arsenal fan, but I said f**c off b****cks you're a c**t - not really pops, I know you're Millwall...

Get him off, get him off, he's rambling...quick, cut to the quiz...and que quiz music....

Hhhhhhowwwdddddy quiz guru's, your Q's this week are:

1. Who sang a song about their daddy being a bank robber?

2. The heist of a 40m quid was uplifted from a depot in which town in England recently, and how much loot did police recover in a lock-up several days later?

3. By a boffins estimate, how much beer in litres, is lost in drinkers moustaches and beards each year, going on the theory that a pint is raised to the gob -like on average ten times? Is it (a) 0.7ml (b) 0.56ml (c) 0.35ml

4. Who plays rugby union at the recreation ground, London Road?

5. If March 1^st is a Saturday, what day is April 1^st?

6. What does e stand for in e-mail?

7. What does a ¼ x ¼ equal?

8. In scrabble what colour are the tripe-word score squares? And say that fast!

Who that say who that say who that?

Answers from last week: 1. Proverb or idiomatic phrase 2. Van Gough (with an ff, no O sounding shit!) 3. Football 4. Sesame Street (remember the theme-tune?) 5. Bird/pigeon 6. Standard Oil 7. Piano 8. Bishop

Now, now, here thee, hear thee; quite a few entered the hat last week, but there can be only one, and by a gnat's cock last week's winner was Darryl ‘traco' ‘Tracker' Walker, all the way from Aus! Drop us a line Trac about how to get the prize to ya.

In fact his answers were so complete that this week they will appear on Cf's web - check out the competitions page on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/

Also winner of last weeks, ‘Who am I?' was Tracker, amongst others, but first in with that correct answer was, ‘Maverick' Steve - mystery prize on its way to you sir. It was of course The Right Orrible George W Bush

This week's who am I? - ‘I'm not gay but I have a lady's name!'

Prize this week again is the 5&6 nations DVD, full of tries Colonial ramblings  andhairy faces

Ok, last week's Int touch rugby was a picnic, a stroll in the park a day at the seaside - what a hoot, the sun shone, we ran a sweat and the IRB Sevens circuit were but a sniff away to adding Saigon to their list!

C.F. was back on track after a 6-month absence and nearly snuck home with Pedro Primo's Play of the Day, but that accolade went to a joint effort of a relentless running Marcel and a signed up 50th member of SRFC.

Ok, pony.......out! Cow son!!!  News from the people in the papers: Let's start with the RBS Six Nations as per; And England made a humongous cock up eh! (33-6) Forget the rubbish you heard about the stomach bugs, let Martin Corry explain, "The gastroenteritis that ran through the team wasn't a factor in the French tries." Big word for a No.8.

He continued, "We have to be totally up front - we were awful, no excuse. The players are stunned." They played like they were stoned not stunned!

Dawson reiterated, "We were just not up to it, not our skills levels, not our defence nor our attack. We weren't good enough in any of those areas and that had nothing to do with a bug." Or joint!

But Olivier Magne, French flanker was kind, he said, "They are so much better than that. In Paris was not the real English team." What was real was the try scored after 41 seconds by Florian Fritz - ya!

Papers are suggesting heads should role, from Larder, Lydonn to Robinson, the defence coach, backs coach and top brass respectively. William Hill has slashed Robinson's position for the world cup to 7-4 - will they go, should they go? Did the Welsh get any better after sacking their coach?

Players have gone in the team that faces Ireland at Twickenham on Saturday - Lewsey, Dawson, Tindall, Thompson, White, Grewcock and the injured Hodgson.

Irish hooker, Jerry Flannery can't wait, he said, "I look forward to ripping into the English. It's my first outing at Twickenham, but far more important is the fact that it's a massive opportunity for Ireland to become champions of Europe."  He's right you know. Who would've thought that after the first game?

Meanwhile Wales dust themselves down after their pretty much dismal effort in their draw against Italy, (18-18), and blamed it all on 33-year-old Colin Charvis - he's been axed - in the head! 

And fair play to the Iti's, they got their first away points. Captain Marco Bortolami said, "It proved we are improving. We have never been this consistent in the 6 Nations before."

France now go to Cardiff, and French skipper Fabien Pelous looked forward to it saying, "The Millennium Stadium is the most fantastic rugby venue I've ever played in. It is almost mythical." Yeah like their dragons - C.F. only just found out they're not real!

Ireland and Scotland was a groggy match of toe-to toe fighting in the rain - good Celtic banter! Ireland saw off the, and it has to be said, dire Jocks 15-9 in a penalty shoot-out.

Ireland's boss, Eddie O'Sullivan summed up the final game at Lansdowne Road with, "It was a case of rolling up your sleeves and getting in the trenches. Credit to Scotland, they were in the game for 80mins and fought for every yard. People might think it was an ugly win, but I thought it was a very good win. If you're a rugby purist that was a bloody good six nations match played in very poor conditions. You don't get to choose the conditions, just how you play." Bloody war!

Frank Hadden was jolly as norm, he said, "I thought today was another magnificent effort from the boys." No wonder everyone likes him.

Wins for this weekend - England, France, and I'm gonna go crazy and upset the Highlanders, again, and go with Italy!

Super 14's is ticking along nicely, and this week the Tah's travel to Perth - come on the Force!

In cricket England's puppies got a rude awakening in Mohali and were beaten by 9wkts. But Freddie isn't panicking about what the papers are saying, he said, "Last week when Alistair Cook and Paul Collingwood were scoring hundreds there was no mention of the young guys not being able to cope." They go into the 3^rd test in Mumbai, still with no player over 29 and K.P. two grand lighter in his wallet after being fined for his four letter out burst after being given out off the forearm last week.

The best and probably the most bizarre ODI ever was the 434-4 innings by Aus, only to be topped 438-8 by S.A! 'Punter' Ponting got 164 and ‘Hair' Gibbs 175, they shared MoM. Ricky was gracious in defeat though and said, "Hershchelle deserves it more than me after making 175 and being on the winning team." They kick off their first Test today.

Alonso picked up No.1 spot n the first F1 of the season in Bahrain last week, and going into Malaysian's spot this week MaClaren reckon they've got dibs with Raikkonen, Boss Ron Dennis said, "In terms of speed we believe we're truly competitive." well that's a bonus.

They're making the seats at Wimbledon 2inches wider to 18inches, catering for the lard arses.

The Commonwealth Games kicked off on Wednesday in Melbourne. At the ceremony someone brought on a duck, a women sung whilst a hundred blokes did some welding around her, and Queen Liz chirped on about what a pleasure it was whilst Phil looked on in complete bemusement. Go the Isle of Man.

West Ham are in the ¼'s of the F.A. Cup.

Roy Jones Jr is ready to fight Joe Calzaghe, he said so, "This is the kind of scary and dangerous fight I need. I'd fight him any time, any place, any where - so yes, I'll come to Wales." You're the only one!

Ok - The Cambodian King's names is Preah Bat Samdech Preah (again) Boromneath Norodom Shihamoni!

Viet Nam has just made a shirt 58m's in length, 40m's wide and weighs 520.76kg's. It took 40 workers 15 days to make. They used 6,200m's of fabric and 600,000m's of thread. They then threw orangeade all over it then made a 40 tonne steal basin, 3m's high and washed it in it in 10mins 35 secs. I thought they were just wee people.

Tom cruise married sweetheart No.47, Katie Holmes on a yacht full of Scientologists - John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Crusty the Clown. But get this, a Cruise (the ceremony was on a boat!) spokesman said, "All I can say is they're not married in any sense of the word." All very odd those Scientologists.

The sexiest movie moment is the spanking scene in The Secretary - phoarww.

Ozzy Osbourne can't get it up, even after 4 Viagra! He's on anti depressants, he said, "If I get off anti depressants - I go mad." Mad or droopy Sharon, you choose.

There's a new pill that clears the arteries. Crester. It works on 80% of its patients - wash it down with a glass of lard.

Dan Brown's plotting his case against Mr. Baignet and Mr. Leigh's Holy Blood And the Holy Grail by saying he only copied the names not the plot. He admitted that his villain in Da Vinci Code, Sir Leigh Teabing was an anagram of the HBHG's author's names, but also said, "I found most of my relevant information in other books. There's a huge amount of info in Da Vinci Code that is not in The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail." Just give em the 10mil Dan.

The Gospel according to Judas is to be released on 6^th April, one month before Dan's D.V.C. film. The 4^th century manuscript is thought to be the greatest archaeological discovery of all time, since it was dug up in an Egyptian tomb in the late 70's. It portrays Judas as a hero not a villain. Religion eh, where would we be with out it?

If it's too hot, get out of the kitchen.

Prim - don't forget Digger's AFL blurb and read more much more, such as letters to CFN on CF's web http://www.cfnr.co.uk/