South Africa 9-28 B&I Lions
June, 02nd 2009 22:31 PM

The New extra Rugby Bit

 
featuring this week's new            Gezza Strip

found it:

PLAYER PROFILE

NAME: RICHARD PILGRIM                                        D.O.B: UNKNOWN

POSITION: ALL OVER THE SHOP                           SCHOOL: SEE BELOW.

CAREER:  BEAN-COUNTER

Rumour has it Richard (or Lester as he is known to his associates for reasons best not explained) was born and bred in Nottingham which explains a lot. According to the reliable source of information that is Wikipedia: “Nottingham state schools consistently rank poorly in national League tables”.  According to an extremely reliable source who in no way, shape or form resembles Smudge, Richard attended the “Inbred Multi-Digit University  of Norwich” where he studied Podium Dancing.

Richard is another of our multi-faceted back line who can perform in a number of positions, but his preference is missionary, apparently. He is something of a quiet chap and prefers to stay out of the spot light, though he has “awesome” lips according to his tour bitch-master and allegedly has “major” eyes according to an unknown source (some very drunk young lady who had given up hope of going home attached at the end of a Saturday night, no doubt). If he does indeed have “major” eyes, they are probably keep in a specimen jar in his abode along with other “trophies”.

He has earned most of his 109 caps at Fullback, where he would wander around the paddock looking confused and disoriented in equal measure and prior to Jim Hardy’s arrival at Sidcup was often called upon to take kicks at goal. This was mainly to help bring his focus back to the game. He has an impressive tally of 532 points, 21 tries, 117 conversions and 65 penalty goals.

 

Unsung Heroes...

Having sung the praises of just about anyone invi;ted to the previous fixture’s Volunteers Lunch, our thoughts turn to the impending end of the season and we take this opportunity to introduce our inaugural and completely fictitious 1st Annual Sidcup RFC Awards (or Siddies).  A extremely dedicated panel of one has awarded the prizes as and when sprung to mind in the early hours of Thursday morning.

Sport...

The Iron Side Award for Mobility around the pitch:

Luke Drury - The only player heard to order a cab to take him from one “22 to the other.

The Amish Award for turning the other Cheek:

Sam Eydmann -  Obviously a fan of Willie John McBride’s “get your retaliation in early” philosophy.

The Kit Kat Award for having a break:

Dave Jones – Yellow Cards are just too tempting when you are fatigued.

The Scoring Tries entirely through the hard work of others:

Jon West/Danny Mizen - hanging about at the back of mauls and jogging along in support require minimal effort.

The Mother Theresa Award for Patience:

Smudge - Working with hyperactive children would be a happy release.

Popular Culture:

The Smithers Look-a-Like award:

Richard Cato -  Uncanny

The Abu Hanza Look-A-Like Award:

Callum Thomson -  The extreme lengths some people will go to  be original at a fancy dress do.

 

Fashion:

The Grange Hill Woodworker Teacher Award:

Jack Hague - As opposed to the “he would work as a teacher were it not for...award”

The Columbo Award For Looking Dishevelled No Matter What He Wears:

Danny Mizen -  Think Baloo in a morning suit

The Arts:

The Nobel Prize for Literature (Fiction):

Dicky Henderson - For his efforts to make even the most dire sporting occasion worth reading about.

The Nobel Peace Prize:

Andy Innes - For being willing to discuss anything with anyone over a pint.

The Nobel Prize for Diplomacy:

Ian Anderson - Any self-respecting second row would have started throwing punches in his position.

The Brian Blessed Tribute Award:

Martin Stock - For being able to guffaw at an unnaturally audible level even for a man of his stature.

The Joseph Mengele Award for Medical Innovation:

Paul Graham - For his work as a torturer in the name of medicine.

The Paul Kersey/Travis Bickle Award for Tolerance:

Gerry Egan - For suggesting shooting people as an answer to everything and that Herod had a point.

The Robert the Bruce Award for Leadership Under Duress:

Iain Wilson - How he has kept his youthful good looks and complexion as Club Captain is beyond comprehension.

 

 

 

Mon Amie,
 
Ze little grey cells have been tested to beyond their capacity and the mystery of the Publisher to word Alchemist is unsolved.
 
Anyhoo, enough of that shit. Will try and bastardise one of my old international rugby programmes and send it in that format sometime during the week. For the time being, I have transferred the relevant written articles onto wordycac for you to peruse.
 
Having been up and down about in their performances prior to Christmas, Sidcup RFC are now unbeaten in League 1 South in 2010 with only two games to go, one against second placed Dover (unbelievable isn't it) and everybody's whipping boy, Aylesford Bulls. The Bulls Hit the "big time" when some nice chap lent them a lot of spondoo a few years back and rose through the rankings by importing various players from south of the Equator. Then, just like 1720, the South Sea Bubble burst and they lost all their players. Reminiscent of the Great Askeans payback which now sees them in London and South South East Kent Division 2, battling such giants as New Ash Green and Bexley. Elsewhere in London 1 South, Old Elthamians/Wankonians are discovering the Rand in South Africa buys you feck all nowadays as they too seem to be heading for relegation.
 
All these un-fascinating details can be found on "Googley" if you type London 1 South into the thing or check the RFU's website which lists results.
 
Anyhoo, I am changing my name to "Bright-eyes" by deed poll (not interpol as you yourself stated many years ago) as the Light of My Genius burns brightly and then I have to have a three hour nap in the afternoons.
 
As I may have mentioned, I am doing my YMCA level 2 gym instructor and RFU level 1 coaching courses this summer to become a health and fitness guru so need to learn how to stay awake all day rather than napping. My Oscar Wilde defence in response to the "Are we keeping you up?" enquiry that greets my yawns - "No, dear boy, you're boring the shit out of me.." is not acceptable apparently. 
 
Anyhoohoo, will try and send a re-vamped copy of this week's programme as I write it. I have much paperwork bollox to do for my own gym enterprises at the club, creating a contact list of members so I can e-mail them offering my guidance on all things gymie in return for crossing my palm with silver. I have three newbies to induct over two hours on tuesday which lands me £45 and some kiddie sport camps stuff which is a lowly paid £15/hour. in between times I have two pro bono clients to turn into athletes over 5 sessions, which gives me a bit of practise on technique and is good advertising at the same time. Obviously, my pro bono clients are of the young female persuasion. Still attend alkie recovery programme three times a week which is good quality, in-depth self analysis and will be gadding about off-road biking with them for a couple of hours tuesday afternoon. Did I mention I have my level 1 cycling proficiency certificate? Don't fancy taking my life into my hands on the roads yet as I still retain some of my anxious instincts and tighten up like up a bare knuckle fighter pre bout.
 
Still mad, still living at chez biddifer, but hoping to join the grown up world by the end of the year and see if I can corrupt some poor women into being associated with me. Hopefully, exams will lead to enough full time work to get my own place and maybe sort out getting a driving license. still, the best laid plans and all that...
 
Anyhoo, hoo-hoo, It's know half nine on a sunday night, so I'll probably spend three hours fecking about with stuff on my laptop and see what I can do for next week's programme. Stay well, my friend, and give my love to your missus and munchkin
 
 
Gezza

Published 6.7.09

 

South Africa 9-28 British & Irish Lions

 

It made me laugh till my arse fell off! - It was too good to be true wasn’t it - The Boks showing signs of sporting decency that went far beyond their true sense of reality. PdV has entertained us throughout this exceptional series with spoutings of ballerinic comparisons and denials in OJ-esque proportions. Whilst, Smit stood firmly at the helm of the blackguard’s bubbling pot and made sure it didn’t boil over, but then just at the last minute it all got away from him, and the spoilt darlings of, winning at all costs mentality, stampeded through the intended smokescreen that was Burger-gate – yes the players revolted, the players defied the IRB, the players proved the PdV-idiots brainwashing was always brewing under the surface.

 

The players wore sticky tape white armbands with ‘Justice 4’ hastily scribbled in biro on them. The protest – Bakkies Botha’s two week ban from the IRB for foul play – sorry, I’ve just got to pick up my arse again.

 

Let’s just get this right, a sporting team, whose armour contains a plethoralagigantic wealth of misdemeanors, ranging from legal hits to non legal hits, to poisoning, to goading and patting on the head, to blowing kisses like a continental soccer bitch – to now defying the laws of a sport, and attempting to re-write their results through…well, sympathy!

“The Springbok players all feel for Bakkies as he will miss this memorable final Test against the British & Irish Lions. As a sign of solidarity the Springbok players have decided to wear white arm bands during the Test match. At the same time the players want to send a clear message that they require the IRB to have an urgent and serious re-look at Law 10.4 (j),” said Piet Heymans, CEO of SARPA (South African Rugby Players Association).

Smit, Matfield, Du Preez, where did it all go wrong. You had so much respect throughout the world, which you’ve just flicked off in one piece of Hollywood crap. Just admit Schalk tried to rip out Fitzgerald’s eye and should have had a minimum 12 week sentence and let’s move on.

With that out of the way, let’s take a look at Saturday’s game and see what ‘they’ said; For starters the Geech 62 regarded this as his best Lions tour ever, paying respect to the players, the management and the series itself, savouring the best for his captain Paul O’Connell; “Paul has epitomized what a Lions captain should be.” – Big.

He then reviewed the game and the series; “We got a couple of 50-50s today we hadn't been getting, all the games could have gone either way, but we didn't have the breaks before. We could have come here 2-0 up, that's how tight it's been. It's been all little edges hasn't it? Sometimes it's gone sometimes it hasn't. Eight points difference in the first two Tests. We were very accurate today, very intense, but we kept it tactically the way we wanted to play.” – Thank you the Geech.

The Lions did get the rub of the green to some extent, but they took their opportunities with both hands, as John Smit testifies, “…the Lions were all over us in every department today.”

They were, and it started with Heaslip on the 24^th minute mark when he broke a couple of tackles and found himself clear on the left. Shane Williams was on to it and snapped at his heels as the big Irishman spun him an inside ball and off Shane went under the posts. Jones lined up to kick the conversion, but it fell off the tee and his drop attempt was charged down. – Shit happens.

Simon Shaw started the next try by winning a turnover at a ruck for Phillips  to chuck it left again, to Flutey who made the yards before punting in a chip and gather, his two handed inside flick to, Williams again, was a gem. Under the posts he went and Jones had no voodoo pins in his balls this time.

Shaw was yellow carded for kneeing Du Preez in the back and the Morning Steyn notched himself a penalty to make it 15-6. Zane Kirchner, who’s a fine talent, sped off on what looked to be a certain try was tackled by Bowe and the ball spilled forward. Shortly after Kirchner’s ball to Wynand Oliver ten yards from the Lions line was intercepted by Monye who ran the distance for a touch down to the Lions and what was surely a sealer, he said after, “I wanted to cry.” – Big poof!

It was the sealer; a couple of penalties went either way. Odwa Ndungane was unlucky to have not been allowed a score in the corner as his foot seemed in to me, but then I thought Fourie’s was out last week and Cueto’s was definitely in, in 2007!!!

Heinrick Brussow was getting emotional when all was apparently lost, and started to throw more than his own teddy about. But it was nice to see the Bok ambush on Phillips in the dying minutes quelled by a quick response unit from the Lions. Heinrick, you’re an excellent player, don’t ruin it by being a muppet.

It was the first defeat the Boks had taken at Ellis Park for eight years and P.O’C was quick to thank the fans; “I hope people don’t misconstrue our lap of honour after the game. We’re under no illusion we lost the Test series. But a lot of people paid a lot of money to come out here and we wanted to thank them.”

The Lions to a player, to a supporter, is one of the most treasured experiences in the sporting calendar, for Phil Vickery it was his 50^th Test win. Both he and Shane Williams hang up their boots and the Geech will also put away his clipboard. Phil reflected, “I’ve been fortunate to experience some fantastic rugby in my career, but nothing beats wearing the Lions jersey. A Lions tour has to be slightly different. It has to be a little bit ‘amateurish’ in that you have to have a lot of fun and drink a few beers, because you have to get on with people and mix.”

P.O’C spoke highly of Vickery’s team speech; “Phil spoke very well in the huddle. Something he said I will probably take back and plagiarize it with Munster and Ireland.”

Martyn Williams was Man of the Match and his immediate comments were, “It’s difficult to annalyse a game when you just come off the field, but for me I was just looking at Joe Worsley and Paul, I thought they were immense today.” – Big poof.

PdV finally made some kind of sense, “The Lions bring added value and excitement to world rugby. They give us the only long tour left in the modern game and that is why their rare but wonderful visits are treasured.” – Big idiot.

Right, I’ve had enough, let’s leave you with P.O’C’s final comment, “There are no regrets. This is international sport and international rugby, which is played on the edge. It’s been a fantastic series and I have to congratulate the Springboks. They won the series we both wanted and congratulations for them for doing that.”

Where were Andy Powell and Armitage!

Just cf it

 

cf

The coach had an opportunity to retract that ludicrous statement and concede that he was wrong. Yet he remained resolute in his flawed view. These are the questions asked in the press conference, and more importantly, De Villiers' eyebrow-raising answers word for word...

Q: Eye gouging is on the increase throughout the rugby world, what is your view on it?

PDV: I'm against anything that is not in the spirit of the game. Anything! We won't go to the lows of not being negative in such a positive game we have. We've got brilliant players in this country, they are world class - most of them. To try and even compare them to little small things that belong outside in the bushveld...(pause for thought). If we want to go eye-gouge any lion, we go out to the bushveld like we normally do, eye-gouge them and see if we can outrun them or see if they haul us in. We will never NEVER encourage anybody to be part of negative play or bring the game into respute. Schalk's nature and character, if you know the man as I know him, is that he won't ever (eye-gouge). He's too physical, I think he's more physical than any other rugby player in the world! To go to those kind of measures to show he's the boss on the rugby field... he will never ever do it. And I don't think he did it. Eye-gouging, biting, head-butting and high-tackling is something we as a team, especially me, will not stand for. We want to promote this game amongst our youth and amongst everybody to see how passionate we are about this game. We want to bring that passion above anything else in our country. We want this game to be the biggest national-building tool that we ever can be. But by encouraging stuff like that (foul play), we are fighting a lost cause. And if that happens, then I shouldn't even be here. I will never ever be part of doing anything like that.

Q: Do you think longer bans on foul play will discourage players and coaches from implementing these acts?

PDV: I'm part of this lovely game and I'm very honoured to be part of this lovely game. And there are some things I will enhance whilst I am part of this lovely game. Negativity is not one them. I don't make the laws, I don't write the books about sentences, I only abide by them. I don't appoint judicial officers, and I don't always agree with them. But again, I'm part of the system, and if you can't work within the system,and you want to have your own system - then you creating your own world. There are a lot of things that I don't like in life, but as long as I am part of this world, I have to adjust to make it work.

(Four journalists throw in questions at the same time, which doesn't go down well with De Villiers)

PDV: You can't ask questions at once. One at a time! I mean like...

(Silence)

Q: You don't think Schalk did it? Have you not watched the television footage?

PDV: I'm telling you, I watched the TV footage and I'm not saying anything otherwise I will go against everything we decided as a team. I watched the TV footage and I am still convinced there was nothing that he did on purpose. For Schalk himself when he watched it, he was like (imitating Burger): 'Oh my!'. But he never meant to go to anybody's eye. And I will stand by what I said, we will wait until we got the report and then we can make a great report back to you guys.

Q: If you don't think he did it, then how come his fingers made contact with Luke Fitzgerald's eye?

PDV (raising his voice): Some of us have got a hearing problem! I said, that we stand us a group with what the team said. We are waiting for the report. And if the report BY ANY MEANS comes out and says "Schalk Burger is guilty of eye-gouging", then we just have to abide by that. But I believe it won't be the case and we stand by that.

Q: What do you think he's banned for eight weeks for then Peter?

PDV (becoming visually uncomfortable, raising his voice once more and speaking as if to a three year old): We ...are ...waiting... for... the... report! And then, I can answer your question. I can't give you any answer without the report.

Q (same journalist): It sounds to me like you are ducking the issue?

PDV (looking shell-shocked): I'm not ducking the issue. It's just the I'm working within the system. I'm not like you (the media), who have no systems! You can word whatever you want to word. We are working in a system where we wait until the report has been tabled... then we will react.

Q (confusion amongst the media): Did you not have any representatives at the hearing to report back to you following Burger's disciplinary?

PDV (again, stretching his words): We are waiting for the report to be tabled so that we can disect the whole thing. We will then come back to you with an INformed answer, and then we won't MISunderstand each other again.

(At this time the South African media manager tries to calm down the situation by saying he will be sending out a response from the Bok management following their 'report')

Q: You said after the game that the incident did not deserve a yellow card. Do you now in hindsight regret saying that and believe it was worth a card?

PDV: Let me tell you something. Look at the footage properly. When you know the man you working with properly... then you can see why he is innocent.

Q: Have you spoken to Schalk since then?

PDV: Come again?

Q: Have you spoken to Schalk since then?

PDV (with a smile and chuckling): Yes, definitely. We not cross with each other. We sat down at breakfast this morning too. We sat down last night until quarter past twelve waiting for them (the judiciary officers) to finish up inside. So ja, I spoke to him and as I expected, he is an honourable man. If you take him away from rugby, he will be the best person to have around you.

Q: So Burger denied any wrong doing?

PDV (long pause): I didn't ask him if he denies he was wrong. I sat down, and I spoke to him... that's what you asked me.

Q: When you look at the report, is there any chance you will appeal?

PDV (calmed down after the question was asked by a South African journalist): Again, I think we should just wait for the report to see what the wording is in there and then as a team - whatever decision we make - we'll go all the way in clearing (stutters his words) his... his... his name. For us it will be the best thing to do.

Q: You say that Schalk is an honourable man and there is obviously a lot of emotion involved. Do you think that will win you the appeal?

PDV: What we must understand here very clearly is that rugby is a contact sport. And so is dancing. So guys (players and media) who can't take it, must make the decision of their own. If you guys (the media) really sat through that entire game, you'll find there were so many incidents (from the Lions players) that we could have gone and said: "We want to cite this guy for maliciously jumping into a guy's face with his shoulder," and stuff like that. Why didn't we do it? The reason why we don't to stuff like that, is because this game will always be a game to us and sometimes you get away with things that you don't even mean. Sometimes you make decisions that are either right and wrong , and get away with it. We are so proud and honoured to be a part of it. If we are going to win games in boardrooms and in front of television cameras like this, then we should say to ourselves: "Do we really respect this game that we honour so much... and the passion for it? Do we want to be part of it?". If you are going to complain about every incident we might as well go to a ballet shop and all get tutus and get a great dancing show on for all to see that has no eye-gouging, no tackling, no nothing and we can all in enjoy it! (It's at this point when the media are looking around the room, wondering whether to laugh or take him seriously). But this game will have collisions, and the guy who wins that collision the hardest, that's the guy we will always select. And if we are going to make it soft, because we won a Test series and people don't like it... I can't do anything about it.

Q: Peter, are you upset that the whole Burger incident has overshadowed what has been a historic series win over the Lions?

PDV: That is exactly how I feel. You know what, 29 years we've waited for this grrrreat occasion. 29 years! And we are going into the third Test with the series sealed. We are the winners of the British and Irish Lions series, and we are happy about it. This country can now rejoice and be positive for the next twelve years. So I would love the Lions supporters to honour the fact that we won this thing. It was tough and the hardest Test series I have seen in a long time. We came back from a a poor start and I never thought we would be able to do that, because this is a brilliant Lions team that we are up against. We are so... (at this point, De Villiers is interrupted by the same journalist that earlier asked if he was 'ducking' the questions)

PDV: Hey, don't be so rude!

Journalist: Sorry, I wouldn't dream of it.

PDV: Good. (Continues) What I would love for Lions supporters is to just stand up and take it on the chin and say: "Well done South Africa! Well done for what you've achieved in this series." Just like we did in 1997.

Q: Has Lions coach Ian McGeechan congratulated you in person?

PDV: Well, nobody has really congratulated us up until now. But maybe they will do so after the third Test.

Q: Peter, congratulations on winning the series...

PDV: Thank you my man, you are the first one!

Q: Now that you've got the series in the bag, how are you going to approach the third Test?

PDV: We going to look at this Test, the same we have looked at all the others. We respect the Lions and they are still a good side. To bring the best of Europe over here is not a walk in the park. But remember, we are proud people too. We not going on to the field just receive payment, we take the field with pride. There's a lot of people in wheelchairs that can't play the game like we do., so we play the game for them. So we still have an obligation for our country and towards ourselves. So won't go out there on Saturday just to give it away. It will be great if we can make it 3-0. But then again, we don't have any control over winning and losing. But we can control how we want to play the game.

Q: There have been reports in the South African media that say you are the weak link in the Springbok team. How do you feel about that?

PDV: I'm not disappointed with them (the media). Everybody in life has an opinion. I don't react to opinions, I react on fact. If people think I am the weakest link, then we are blady strong! I didn't know about the perception, and I do not even have time to think about it. I know myself that I am a God-given talent. I am the best ever that I can be, so whatever you think about me doesn't bother me. I know what I am, and I don't give a damn.

PdV's rant...



Published 22.6.09

 

South Africa 26-21 British & Irish Lions

 

“We ran out of time. But when the ref gives that many penalties against you, you don’t really stand a chance.” - Said Paul O’Connell minutes after the game, still reeling in the rue for not showing up for the first half. (reeling in the rue!)

 

Still, he wasn’t short off the mark, as experienced prop Phil Vickery took a pounding from Tendai ‘Beast’ Mtawarira. But five scrums in a row, and one with the ‘Beast’s’ hand clearly in the floor for support seemed a  bit too much to take.

 

P.O’C “How he could be seen to be making the same mistake four or five times in a row is beyond me. He’s never had a problem before. I can understand a guy giving away one or two penalties and the referee getting a read on it, but he seemed to be refereeing us and not them.” – Ruan struck home penalties twice out of those five and there stemmed the disruption to the Lions’ – that, and of course an abysmal start in their lineout too!

 

The Boks played an authoritative closed shop game in the first half, by doing the simple things right in the set pieces followed by some clever tactical play by the Ruan Pienaar fella with backing from a hoof of a boot of Francois Steyn.

 

The disruption came with the Boks stealing a lineout in the first 5 minutes and Jean de Villiers making the bust and Ruan Pienaar hoisting a kick for JP Pieterson to chase. The big Boks won a 5m scrum from that and three quick phases later Jon Smit was over near the posts for the opener.

 

Pienaar slotted two penalties one from Vickery driving in at the scrum and the other for a shoulder barge from Croft, meanwhile Jones missed two and the referee was giving no-one any advantage further than one phase. Still, it didn’t matter because Ugo Monye had busted free and was gunning for the line when he got double whammed by Steyn and de Villers who managed to dislodge the ball as he slid over the line – the TMO said so, although Ugo was convinced he touched it down first, well, you would be wouldn’t you.

 

The Boks forwards still had the grunt on the game, but the Lions were beginning to look dangerous, especially amongst the pairing of the B.O’D and Jamie Roberts duo. It was Roberts who helped himself through the gap with a slice of muscle and speed and off-loaded to B.O’D who saw the inside ball to Croft was the way to go for a score.

 

The Beast won another penalty. Bowe conceded another penalty and Pienaar was the man to slot ‘em. 19-7 at half time. The Lions had it all to do in the second half and started by giving away penalty after penalty. The Boks opted to go for the corner and from there drove a maul that only the English used to do back in the 80’s. Brussow finished it off with a try – it’s always good to see a well worked driving maul.

 

At 26-7 you’d be forgiven if you thought it was all over. PdV did and sent on the bench and wishes he hadn’t; “I think the boys did what they were expected to do. We scored points but never looked in control. We looked a bit flat, and I thought the substitutes would inject some enthusiasm into the game…but I was wrong.”

 

Roberts broke free again and a try saving tackle from Bakkies Botha had the ref reach for the TMO again only to rule the ball was lost as he lunged for the line. The Boks contined to kick deep and the Lions counter-attacked. Roberts was through again and fed an inside ball for Croft to score his second, this time in the corner.

 

Five minutes to go and you almost felt a sense of the inexplicable might happen. The second half had been dominated by the Lions and from a ruck 5 metres out Philips threw a dummy and slid over by the uprights making Jones’s boot an easy one. Smit who was substituted was somehow back on for an ‘injured’ Carstons, but still, the Lions were on the attack and as Monye was free it was the Beast II Pierre Spies who stretched for a tackle that saw the ball tumble. And Ricky Januarie started a fight because he’s a tyke.

 

It was a cracking Test match, where as a bookie you’d be quite content after 50 minutes but come 70 as nervous as Ruan Pienaar, who said, “It was very, very scary. We let them back in the end.

 

Tom Croft had a word with Heinrich Brussow; “I spoke to Heinrich Brussow after the game. He was on the bench at the end and he said he was panicking.” – I bet.

 

The Boks won it fair and square and will go in as favourites again in Pretoria; however, the PdV isn’t as sure; “I would definitely say we won’t be as confident as we would have like to be heading into Loftus Versfeld.”

 

Everyone has said it a thousand times since Saturday – ‘It’s a huge mountain to climb’, but the Geech has faith – he has no choice; “I am hugely proud of the rugby. That was high quality rugby and of Course we can still do this. That’s why we are here.”

 

Didn’t the fool have the score at 28-22 to the Lions last week! – Well, he’s keeping with it for this week!!!

 

This is what the South African Sunday Times said:

‘To gain a measure of how much the Boks’ committed defence won this game, consider that the British & Irish Lions went over the line four times and yet they failed to add to their three tries. Three of those near-misses were during that helter-skelter final period, with both backs and forwards making names for themselves by preventing the visitors from scoring by clinging onto the stitching of their shorts. The irony of the Lions scoring three tries to two, but losing the Test, was delicious. But if the first game was anything to go by, this series is proving well worth the wait.’

New Zealand 14-10 France

 

The Kiwi supporters will be happier but not exactly happy. Plenty of wind and rain limited the game to knock-ons and missed cued kicks, but Kevin Mealamu was good. Funny name that; Kevin, for a Maori. Anyway, he shook up a run in the middle and spent it right for the Joe I-should-coco, who was hounded down by French hooker William Servat!

 

Soon after Nonu made amends for head butting Cedric Heymans, even if he did milk it, and took an inside ball off a ruck to score. The Duck continued to kick poorly, and when Corey Jane slid over in the corner, neither the ref nor the TMO could make a decision as to whether a Frenchman had his arm under the ball or not, so he gave a 22m drop.

 

With it 8-0 at half time Cedric Heymans was given an inch too much immediately in the second half and stepped Rockoko for a brilliant 50m individual try down the left flank. New Zealand came back confidentially with enough effort to rid the French of success. Most notable try saving tackle from Chris Jack on Vincent Clerc, saw him pop the ball from his grasp – seems to be the theme from the weekend.

 

Australia 34-12 Italy

 

A lacklustre performance from a second string Aussie outfit found themselves sweating against an organized Italian pack. And only on the 70^th minute did the floodgates open as Australia previously clung to a 20-12 lead. Lachie Turner started it. But the best of the Aussies five tries came from a Luke Burgess break, onto Ashley-Cooper which found Tatafu Polota-Nau to score, which was good, because you could argue that those three players were the best on ground – I think that’s an AFL expression – is that right Digger?

 

Anyway, they won, and with their first team pitched against a fit Kiwi outfit, they look to be finishing second behind South Africa in the Tri-Nations right now. But first they have to beat the French, where the Kiwi public has already helped by beating up Mathieu Bastareaud in the early hours of Sunday morning.

 

NZ 44-28 England

The IRB World Junior Championships was won by the Kiwi’s U20 side at the Prince Chichibu Stadium in Tokyo with three tries in five minutes being the heftiest contribution by the New Zealanders – most notably Zac Guildford’s two.

 

England Saxons 22-49 Ireland ‘A’

The Irish played a worthy final, whilst the Saxons got themselves in all manner of problems in Colorado. Tries by Toner, Boss, Cronin, Jones, Murphy and the best name Muldoon sealed it.

 

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Published 15.6.09

 

New Zealand 22-27 France

 

It was the two sides first meet at the House of Pain in Carisbrook, and it was France who dominated with the All Blacks looking…well, shite!

 

The French doubled the All Blacks’ tackle count, were more physical at the breakdown, and by the 39^th minute had a 17-3 lead, which had alarm bells ringing all the way down to Antarctica. (Have been trying to fit in penguins somewhere but Monday’s just too slow for that)

 

Graham Henry’s eyebrows nearly spontaneously combusted when he said, “We missed a few one on one tackles.” Whilst Mils coughed up a slightly more accurate summation; “We got out muscled in the first half hour of the game.”

 

That they did, and the French often did it with only a couple of players at the breakdowns, from where they funded total control of the game. Francais Trinh-Duc put Vietnamese rugby back on the map, what do you mean, ‘Back?’ He mastered proceedings with creditable flair in response to his donkey’s hard work.

 

And if you want to see the infamous eyebrow twitch, ignite and flare-up like a beacon of embarrassment, just look at the Trinh-Duc’s try again as he slips into the inside channel and breaks four tackles.  (Mmmm beacon sounds like bacon)

 

Shortly after the French pack controlled a maul on the Black’s try line and hooker Williams Servat bundled over for try number two.

 

The All Blacks, if somewhat shocked, got themselves together one minute before the break, and Cowen’s chip and chase worked its way nicely to Cory Jane who fed a speedy Liam Messam to score in the corner. The All Blacks came back stronger in the second half but were destroyed by an intercept try 60 metres out by Maxime Medard off Luke McAlister. Ma’a Nonu’s consolation try made for a good finish, but we’ll have to wait till Wellington next week to see just how good.

 

Australia 31-8 Italy

 

This was yet again another tricky one to gauge for the Australians, as in last week’s rout over a jet-lagged and pissed up Baa Baa’s team; Italy haven’t exactly been firing on all cylinders this past year – in fact they haven’t won at all.

 

However, saying that the Iti’s were better than expected, and Australia were and are better than their 31 points suggest – they’ve got some pace, that’s for sure. Four minutes in, Lachie Turner was off his wing from a ruck and unmarked he dashed through a midfield gap and was composed enough to off-load a nice gift for young lad James O’Connor.

 

The Azzurri fought with Mauro Bergamasco and Sergio Parisse leading the charge and looked quite comfortable at 5-0 down with 25 minutes on the clock. Mind you, Smith was hard at work at the breakdown, and it wasn’t long before the Git showed his magic; he changed direction behind a ruck, and gifted another for the young fella O’Connor. The Git himself was soon rewarded as Berrick Barnes sent him through the posts on 33 minutes.

 

Ten minutes later Craig Gower dummied a drop goal, sprung down the left, switched inside to Kaine Robertson and a try was awarded for Italy…yes, they are Italian…well, they are now.

 

Australia looked more than comfortable now though with Stirling going over with a grunt and a puff then O’Connor pulled off his best of hat-tricks with a wee step to unbalance Parisse and barge him over for his best of three.

 

 

Western Province 23-26 British & Irish Lions

 

A healthier crowd of 33.000 stirred this game along - that and a healthier opposition, with a quality backrow, which was exactly what the Lions wanted, and so that’s what they got - they just snuck through didn’t they.

 

Yet it was a good win, in blustery and wet conditions. They notched three tries to one, and if anything tried to play too much rugby. Still, the Geech was pleased, “It was a good game of rugby. I’m pleased we came out winning.” – Well, that’s nice.

 

They absolutely dominated the set pieces, were confrontational at the break down, and Andy Powell, especially, liked a few bulldozing runs. There’s only so much you can do with a greasy ball, but the Geech man liked it, “What really pleased me today was the efficiency of the three tries. I thought there was some good rugby in all three of them.”

 

The first and best came off one of those Powell runs who off-loaded onto Williams, he fed Ellis who gave it to Flutey, to Kearney and finally for Bowe to touch down. Bowe, who’s in the form of his life soon after busted three tackles before slipping it to Monye on the left for the Lions second try.

 

The Lions pack did some good close quarter work, with Powell picking up from a ruck and giving to Martyn Williams who burrowed over in the corner. The Lions had their lead, but WP pulled back with a couple of penalties and drop goals and with 17 minutes to go Joe Pieterson levelled the score with a try from an overlap out on the left. It took a certain degree of defiance now and as Hook missed one penalty he was offered another from 50 metres out in the dying minutes; he plummed it and took no care in back slapping himself but congratulated the team; “We showed we can be calm and patient.”

 

But just in case anyone’s getting ahead of themselves the Geech brings you back; “What-ever warm up games you have got, they are not Test matches.

 

 

Argentina 24-22 England

 

At 14-3 to Argentina at half time Juan Martin Hernandez inspired doings had Argentina firmly in the driving seat. He kicked, ran and off-loaded like a fly half utterly in charge.

 

England’s weak as piss tackling didn’t help, nor their inaccuracies in the set piece, where Dylon lost his markers twice and Argentina stole a try when it fell nicely for Marion (girl’s name) Ledesma, he powered on before squeezing it to No.8 Leguizanon for a try after only two minutes.

 

England were still not settled when Horacio Agulla found a gap in a lazy midfield and fired a 20-yard pass for Gonzalo Camacho to latch onto and sprint in for the Argies second.

 

At half time Jonno obviously put the wind up them because they came out playing and immediately turned the game around. Slowly and methodically they earned and kicked penalties at 5 minute intervals before a last gasp try from an Armitage flick to Matt Banahan in the 79^th minute had England score but no time left ticking

 

Absolutely done – see yer Friday

 

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published 8.7.09

Australia 55-7 Barbarian’s

 

The Baa Baa’s have had a mixed bag of nuts in their squad ever since it was started by William Percy Carpmael 104 years ago over an oyster supper in a restaurant in Bradford. Then, London’s Blackheath travelled north to entertain the crowds. Now, the Barbarians are on the other side of the world…entertaining the crowds.

 

Well, they did for a bit, then Australia smashed ‘em up. Eight tries to one the Wallabies ran in and although it’s difficult to say, judged on Baa Baa’s games, Australia should go into the Tri Nations pretty confident.

 

Sonny Boy Williams took time off the ‘My Name Is Earl’ set and punched up the flank, bullocking through a Mortlock tackle and was on course for a one minute touch down, had it not been for a fine Burgess cover tackle. Moments later Mortlock got Sonny Boy back with a stinger – the crowd loved it.

 

Australia then hoofed it up field, turned over the ball and after a couple of phases Horwill jettisoned off on a jaunty angle and got the first on the night. Drew Mitchell then gathered up a lose ball and skedaddled around Mapusua, BJ Botha and Williams to inch in the corner. The Australians began to build pressure now, and many try could have gone Lachlan’s way but for a resilient defence, however, how do you stop the Git – he sold two dummies at half price and was in.

 

Chris Whittaker had a good game for the Barbarians and his neat pass to Balshaw, whose grub was thwarted by Burgess, again, but the intent was there. So much so that when McAlister broke in his own 22 he took Whittaker with him to get involved, who gave it to a sprinting Balshaw on the wing to score just on half time. Coming out in the second, the Baa Baa’s continued the attack, until Smith got hold of it, fed Josh Valentine, who in turn gave Moore a pass that sent him over from 20 metres. Ben Alexander showed he can do it in the backline with a nice angle off a Berrick pass to score, and wrapping up proceedings was a Polota-Nau burst onto O’Connor, a Git grub through and a Mitchell score. Just to make sure the Barbarians were still sleeping Pocock went over, as too did James O’Connor from 30 metres.

 

fool just eaten a ‘snake n pigmy n oyster pie’! – get ‘em they’re hot, they’re lovely.

 

Cheetahs 24-26 British & Irish Lions

 

‘Meet the new boss, same as the old boss…’ They keep doing it to us eh – Midweek false hope, then stumble on the Saturday. It was a much better performance compared to Rustenberg, a much different team and performance than in Gauteng, and the pattern carried through to here in Bloemfontein with a different combination…different performance.

 

20 points up in the first 20 minutes with tries from a nice turn of pace from the big fella Ferris who spied the gap 25metres off the Cheetahs line, and a hugely confident and indeed enlightening bout from the Earls lad, who made up for his debacle on day one and his try was well deserved.

 

All the post match banter focused around the Lions’ shabby dealings at the breakdown, which O’Connell agreed upon; “We stopped putting as many men to the breakdown and paid the price.” That they did, and for all of Ferris’ hard work, even collecting Man of the Match, the big wigs behind the scene aren’t happy with him. Defence coach Shaun Edwards said, “We got off to a flying start then someone got sin-binned and they got two tries against us during that period.”

 

That someone was Ferris. Something that will need ironing out come Test duty. Jaques-Louis Potgeiter spun the perfect pass for left wing Damwell Demas to score, and the long-haired menace should have got another had he not decided to chip and chase no-one when he was in the clear! However, the Cheetahs did get another off a turnover ball and prop Wien Du Preez bundled himself over.

 

That’s where the post match banter spread; plenty of disgruntled folk weren’t too happy with the English referees breakdown interpretation, and perhaps a lot of decisions were left to be desired, but to a player all were convinced it was ok, with everyone echoing each other’s views, but perhaps Nathan Hines saying it best, “The style of the breakdown is very different here.” He then spoke specifically about Heinrich Brussouw, who’s been talked about all season, “He is very good at working the tackle and getting straight back up on his feet on our side of the ruck.” – Which of course is all very legal.

 

Naka Drotske and Hendro Scholtz knew this was the Chettahs fortei, as it had paid off well against the Sharks and Crusaders; Drotske said, “The way to play against the Lions is not to give them momentum and be in their face and aggressive in defence, and I think the guys did that well today.”

 

If things didn’t go so well in the loose then the Lions scrum more than made up for it, especially on Sheridan’s side where the grumbles for penalization were most apparent against Kobus Kalldo. Nake paid homage to the man mountain saying, “Sheridan is one of, if not the, strongest loosehead props in the world and gave us tremendous problems.”

 

Off to Durban now – lecker brai eh – and the Sharks will be a whole new ball game, but then so will the Lions’ team. Riki’s fit this week and should make a start at Kingsmead…or is it Kings Park? – first correct answer wins a new crazy fool’s cottage pie – will it be enough. The Geech is still looking for combinations, and I reckon a fair amount of the Test side will be on the bench – Lions by 10! – Pie 10.

 

 

England 37-15 Argentina

 

40,521 fans jeered hollered, wooed and slow clapped at Old Trafford, such was the Gladiatorial crowd’s mood. But England had a gameplan, and their three Test wins on the trot have paid testament to its vision.

 

In a game where Andy Goode had to keep all his wits about him as the crowd leered at every kick of his like it was a smack in their own teeth. But England had a job to do, and their three tries to nil said it all. Jonno was happy, “It was a cagey first half in many ways, but you have to make good decisions against Argentina because Hernandez can kick from anywhere.”

 

He did too and racked up their 15 point haul, but not before conceding England’s win, “England had a sound game plan and was very good in the contact area. They messed up our ball all the time.”

 

Matt Banahan, the man on the wing who makes Andrew Sheridan look like a chipolata burst through Armitage’s kick to wipe out two defenders and touch down for the first. A couple of drop goals and penalties led to some crowd noise, but they were soon pleased again when Cueto passed and ran from his 22, Danny Care broke from the middle and Cueto’s half volley put Armitage in the for the chase and over for the score. Armitage followed it up again off another Cueto punt, and it is just a matter of time before the young lad will be in South Africa, Jonno said, “He’s with us until he gets the call from the Lions. I hope for his sake he does get the call, though it would be nice if it was after next Saturday.”

 

Next Saturday they’re in Salta, Argentina and England will win by 15!

 

French Top14: Perpignan 22-13 Clermont

 

The hadn’t done it since 1955, and Clermont lost their 3^rd final in as many years. Jerome Porical kicked 14 points for the Catalans and set up their only try. His Granddad played in the winning ’38 side and his dad in the losing ’77, all three fullback’s, but obviously his dad was the worst!

 

In true Froggie fashion both kicked off with a fight then a nice Brock James cross-kick fell to Napiolini Nalaga for the opener. Then a couple of penalties and drop goals helped James hurl past the 1000 points marker, and also kept him top points scorer since he joined the club in 2006.

 

The fighting kicked up again, with Marius Tincu offering a left hook on Mario Ledesmes’ jaw, which he accepted and was retuned via Thibault Poivat at the next scrum. In the second half the rugby resumed and Perps found rhythm, enough for Porical to enter the line, step his man and offload to centre David Marty to score. All without DC!

 

Absolutely done – see yer Friday

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published 2.6.09

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Royal XV 25-37 British & Irish Lions

 

By the skin of their pearlies did the Lions sneak by the lower tiered Currie Cup outfit. Although the fool was never in doubt, even at the break when it was 18-10, he did get a tad jittery when it shot up to 25-13 with 15 minutes to go - that’s when the craic in the pub began to show.

 

12,352 fans roared on the Lions in the 42.000 seater stadium in Rustenberg and about 11 cheered on the Royals, but it was soon apparent they had a lot more to cheer about.

 

The Lions pack was poor. There was a complete lack of glue and the set pieces were so far off course, it could have been league. The first two out of four scrums they gave away, the lineout was a shambles and poor lad Keith Earls dropped everything flung at him, which included two almost certain scores, a high ball and one in the tackle. But to be fair, and hats off to McGeechan for keeping him on, he did have a much better second half. Sure, how could have it gotten worse? – ‘Err; his leg might have fallen off?”

 

The second half faired a lot better for the Lions, which in reality goes against the grain when playing at altitude, but then as O’Connell said, “It got easier in the second half” - Once they’d got use to the conditions.

 

However, needing no time to acclimatize was the Royals scrum half Sarel Pretorious and fly half Naas Oliver who mixed up the play with kicks and lines of running in superb style. Sarel sent in his captain Wilhelm Kock over from an inside ball to open the score.

 

The next came from a good old fashioned peel from a maul off a lineout and Payno Barnes was over for the Royals’ second. The Lions now sustained a few minutes of cohesion and O’Gara slipped an inside pass to Tommy Bowe to score under the posts. They began to find some kind of momentum, which Shane Williams duly crushed by dropping the ball over the line for what would have been a certain try. Instead Devon Raubenheimer broke from a ruck down the other end and sent Bees Roux over for the Royals’ third. By this time Lee Byrne had had enough and helped himself to a chip and catch and score in a piece of individual brilliance which brought back some kind of credibility to the Lions.

 

The game was tipping in favour of the Lions now, but time was running out. The Royals began to tire and weren’t hitting the breakdowns with such ferocity, which they had done all game. The last ten minutes saw Alun-Wyn Jones and Paul O’Connell stretch for a try each and flatter the scoreline.

 

It was pretty obvious to all the Lions coaches that ball retention was the main problem. They did produce some nice quick ball. Lee Byrne, Jamie Roberts, Ronan O’Gara and Paul O’Connell did some work warranting a world stage, something that the Royals coach Chaka Willemse noted, “They’ll pick up, and by the time the Tests come around they’ll be a quality side, especially O’Connell. Now we know why they picked him as captain.” – Unlike the old days when it was the bloke who organized the tour – much like the Saigon Dirty Geckos!

 

It wasn’t the best start to a tour but it was a win, with plenty of positives; Naas Oliver drummed some home; “I spoke to my centres, especially at half time, and really felt the pace defence from O’Gara and the two centres. It was a huge honour for us. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for each and everyone of us. We had a good hard game and we really enjoyed it.”

 

Next stop – Gauteng, up around Jo’burg somewhere, to play the Golden Lions – that’ll be confusing!

 

The Lions will win (the visiting ones) by 15.

 

While I’m here, why don’t I tell you about the Springbok XV v Namibian XV and the Super 14 final…

 

Namibian XV 7-36 South African XV

 

At the Hage Geingob stadium in Windhoek there’s a lot of sand…oh no, hang on, that’s David Attenborough’s spiel…Here we go… 8-7 at half time was the tale of the tape in a scrappy and kick-fest type of first half. Odwa Ndgunane opened up proceedings with a 13^th minute try, then early in the second half Kankowski trawled in for a 50m dash to join him on the scoreboard. Odwa, Smith, Muller and Jean de Villiers got the others and its good to see a fit Jean back on the paddock, however, I don’t think the wee puffed up Sammy Davies Jnr (PdV) will be best pleased with an overall sloppy performance.

 

Super 14 final: Bulls 61-17 Chiefs

 

Victor Matfield said it was the, “best night of my life’, well, when you score one of the eight tries in a record Super 14 final win against a classy Chiefs outfit it might seem like that, but I’m sure he’ll get over it.

 

Chiefs boss Ian Foster was somewhat taken a-back, “Clearly we didn’t expect a runaway victory when we came here and we got beaten by a very good team.”

 

Very good indeed, and led in many aspects on the night by Fourie Du Preez and Zane Kirchner. Morning Steyn conducted things admirably with the boot and from hand, but it was Lelia Masaga who got the opener for the Chiefs. Fourie then struck from a quick tap and go after his fullback made the break. Not long after Fourie was in again following up on a thumping tackle from Wynand Oliver on Aled de Malmanche which busted his shoulder. Du Preez featured again helping Habana sprint in for a score and by half time the Chiefs didn’t know what hit them.

 

Mils Muliani took scant pleasure in as he grabbed an early second half try, but then Matfield, Wynand, Spies and Dannie Rossouw all chalked one up each for the Bulls. Mils however, was very gracious in defeat, “We weren’t allowed to play by a fantastic Bulls side, you showed us how to play.” – He said straight after the game to the crowd, and then something about buying a donkey!

 

See you after the Lions v the Lions game

 

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