March, 29th 2007 04:53 AM
Welcome to crazy fool's newsround - where you'll get all the news, info and complete nonsense you could stick a shake at.
Regular taunts are gifted to you from the fool in the guise of his ‘weekly', which generally covers a very weak opening sketch, a quiz, some credits, rugby, cricket and other sports goings ons; then he rounds it all up with the latest in the world about us, all wrapped in a bundle of cf-esque - and finally it's all tied together with some rather tasteless pictures.
Regular guest columnists Digger & Trigger give us their wranglings on the AFL and the gee-gee's and then there's more...so much more...more, more, more. MORE...more, mo
To use; go to the menu on the left, click on the black writing for the latest news and the blue box for some backdates - you'll figure it.
Meanwhile here's a piece of background music on the fool himself:
cf - mien, nay yourn host-en flippen mine birger
crazy fool was developed upon a remote hirsute-ed island-ic village weaned within an arcane meandering strait off the River Thames in Englaxon, not far from the cold spell, just shy of the Netheregions.
By the time he was 6 he could spell sdrawkcab, and had already foreseen the demise of Welsh rugby / culture, / Celts / marauding ferocious bearded Vikings - bastards / French, butter beans, other people's feet, rolled up socks in the draw instead of once turned at the top and watching folk eat, especially when making that munching, slapping, sloppy chewing sound, that often resonates the ill-thinking picture of a be-freckled Brady Bunch type thing with teeth braces (undoubtedly Sceptic) chewing ‘gum' - bastards!
What? - Stay with me, stay with me...
With a boisterous haircut (just the one), and petit but hammy massed legs he grew to help maintain the demand of the cheese, bacon, pickles - of the particular, gherkin, onion, walnut and egg variety - bacon, beer, bacon, lager, bacon, stout, bacon and Babycham, and the bacon industry in the Northern Hemisphere.
By the age of multiple division he had traveled the heralded warts n all of the spherodelium-maximum, mostly by Shanksy's pony-globe-trotter, and beyond, and did this left-footed mostly afore the unsaid right feat, did he, mostly and ferociously on bacon. He capitalized his lavishly hedonistic and freelance lifestyle by offering his services as facial hair and wick for ‘The Amazing Bearded Lady by candlelight' - in the notorious ‘circus of tent' - tis was only until and up to the great storm of jest n capers in the year of our pickle, 19 O'Woe that he did there fled.
On returning from the pilgrimage years of Ye Strawberry Picking Crusades, south-past the Danish Viking-land backwater of Bacon (Bacon should be had sometimes with cheese, sometimes with vinegar, when in a sarnie: it's the dogs...), he found himself once again tempted by the question of; ‘I wonder if bacon tastes so good over there?' So with an un- equaled and unshaven thought he straddled the Dark Continent of Cumcocoumbunga, whereupon he founded a swimmingly fine loop hole in the great taste of fish. This led to a heady southern hemispherical search for the fabled Psychedelic Santa Fish - for it was there that his previous dreams in Europesville of the Dutchenspeakin that led him to the sparklingly dazzled opulence of the fabled yet legendary and so like it to be oh baby when you dance like that - fish.
Having dabbled in the P.S.F's pastures, he, some wayward memories, and a little baby, teenie weenie, oochy coochy little sweetheart of a fish took off once more searching answers to the eternal question, ‘Too salty? Too much fat? Too crispy? Should it be medium, back, shoulder, smoked, boiled, raw...?'
It's uncertain what he did find in those crusted lands of Olde Acreage of civil Europesville, but he was tempted with streaky, cured, smoked and boiled, and he took them all, grew port and now resides in Vietnam siphoning dribble from the chops of idioms and kink in order for, an as yet, un-deciphered answer to a non-questionable research.
Please donate kindly to his cause, and pity him by reviewing his lonely renditions of waffle and blurt, in this, his on line newscast of truth and banter of believe it or not what really does happen in our world's news - NOT ALL OF IT IS BOLLOCKS!
And now some questions you were perhaps once asked? The fool gives his tuppence: Ooh, no, can't find them...when I find them I'll post them! Ok?
I Thank You.
1. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Richie Benaud's My Spin on Cricket and Pirates by some scurvy dog, can't remember.
2. WHAT TIME IS IT? Where? It's 10.02a.m. here.
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE MAT? A squashed mouse.
4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Totopoly
5. YOUR FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Turnips in brine and bacon bi-weekly.
6. BABIES? Jelly - black ones.
7. FAVOURITE SOUND? Sizzle sizzle.
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? To be given no choice.
9. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? Sex.
10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Wait till someone else answers or until I throw a shoe at it...then the other...then the cushion...then the bairn...something's gotta hit it!
11. FUTURE CHILDS NAME? Arnould/Louise and if a girl Louise/Arnould
12. FAVOURITE COLOUR? Beige and primrose cheque.
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? Friends, beer, rugby and yes woman God damn it, I'm getting there...and bloody family!..........aha aha and weed dudes.
14. FAVOURITE FOOD? Shepherds pie.
15. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Garden hose
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Yes, when it suits, especially when you hear that wa wa sound...
17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Not into that.
18. STORMS - cool or scary? Like them. Cool's a word for Yanks.
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Ford Cortina Mark II estate. Reg: PYT 128L
20. WHO IS THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK WITH? My mate who died in a car crash when he was 17. A great lad, fat and fast and great at rugby. Loved a beer and had a stutter - was a right laugh taking the piss out of him when he was drunk - ‘Ffffffffffffffffffffffuck off'.
21. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Beer...and err beer.
22. WHAT'S IN THE BOOT OF YOUR CAR? Don't have one, but have got a plastic rain mac under the seat of my scooter.
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? Naturally.
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Lottery winner research guinea pig.
25. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? A table.
26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes
27. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Half full. Except when the missuss rings.
28. FAVOURITE MOVIE? Zulu, Monty Python's Life of Brian and The Italian Job (Original)
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Tnhik os.
30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Dust.
31. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? 3 or anything divisible by it except for 28 because I liked being 27 when I was...ahem...27! - Is 27 divisble by 3?..Yes! Ok that one then and forget everything about 28.
32. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Pro-am baked bean wrestling.
33. SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? He reminds me of Russ Abbott/Frodo and Fraser rolled into one.
34. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? On the grounds of foolhardy's worth...ness.
35. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING: Psycadelic striped, arsed skin tight, bell bottomed trousers I stole from missuss cf.
36. BEACH, MOUNTAINS or CITY? Bitch in the City of Mountains.
37. TECHNOLOGY or ART? Art with a twist of techno.
38. COMEDY or HORROR? My life is a comedy of horrors.
39. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Legs up to the bum then zip around the front and up to their tits. Stop.
40. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? Opening time.
41. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Do people still buy them - been living in Asia too long!
42. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? Saucy Wong's rub n tug parlour.
43. WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU. STRONG IN MIND or STRONG IN BODY? I let them both go years ago.
44. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Not necessarily when I get up.
45. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? The cook.
46. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? Peoples feet, people eating and the tap, clink, clack of a smart mans shoes as he walks on a tiled floor.
47. WHAT DO YOU PREFER, A SPORTS CAR or 4wd? Sports car in the mountains. 4wd for the kids run!
48. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE? I'm here aren't I?
49. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Once spring is springing and autumn is falling. But now it's mostly wet and hot or dry and hot. And Frankie Valli and chicken.
50. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? To produce any type of bacon at will.
51. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? A tattoo.
52. CAN YOU JUGGLE? My life and reality daily.
53. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? Friday followed by Saturday then Sunday.
54. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI or HAMBURGER? If you knew sushi like I know sushi oh oh oh what a hamburger.
55. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU E-MAIL THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? None.
56. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? A Russ Abbott/Frodo/Fraser type person
57. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON? Wacky races
58. FAVOURITE MEAL? Shepherds pie
59. IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Sweden today, New Zealand tomorrow, Devon the next...
60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? Hate.
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