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crazy fool’s newsround
That was the week weren't it;
The scene: fool is pinion to Lewis Hamilton as they cruise through Saigon’s streets on their Honda Nod, pausing only for a record breaking three minute pit-stop at the petrol station by Ben Ten market.
fool: Unbelievable
Ham: You bet yer
fool: Let’s rock
Ham: Damned right
fool: Here we are, we’re here; Che Guevara, No. 37 Meadows Drive. You got it?
Ham: Yep (hands it over)
Narrator: (Long pause) That was a visual joke wasn’t it fool
fool: Yes
Narrator: Idiot
fool: No; fool
Narrator: Quiz…now:
1. Does the opening song remind you of any particular programme?
2. Mysophobia is the fear of what?
3. In which country is Townsville Airport?
4. In the TV series, what was Grizzly Adams’ first name?
5. An odalisque is a female what?
6. What is the drink kumiss made from?
7. What is a dhole?
8. What was the second thing Goldilocks did when she got to the Three Bear’ house? A) Lay on the beds B) Sat on the chairs C) Ate the porridge
Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com
WHO AM I? Wiled, foxed, bamboozled and up a gum tree without a paddle! Here’s the last two clues again: “I was in that film Self Made Man was talking about and I think I was probably the most obvious omission so far, though I’ll not sleep over it!” – a crocodile and a kangaroo… – Clue 2: “You could equate me to Newman and Redford or Douglas and Heston, although I never acted with him much!” – And now folks, it’s clue No.3: “In a race to fame it might be a dead heat.”
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For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.
Scores at the end of week 42 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.
For those facing north you can’t see this!
Dracule: 19 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
Legal Eagle: 13 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)
Quizmaster: off the marc! 5 (1 or 1, 1, 1)
Casualty: cruising on; 1
Others: unknown…there has to be others…doesn’t there… I don’t know
Quote for the week:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; get it out with Optrex
Spike Milligan
*Non-descript trivia moment*
LAY vs. MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Tummy rumbling…Borborygmy
Tennis elbow…Lateral epicondylitis
That thing at the back of the throat…Uvula
Athletes foot…Tinea pedis
The ridge over the top lip…Philtrum
Fast pulse…Tachycardia
Housemaid’s knee…Prepatellar bursitis
Squint…Strabismus
Bunions…Hallux valgus
That dent in the middle of the chest…Xiphisternum
fool’s Gold
- Moths can’t eat because they have neither mouths nor stomachs
- Mickey Mouse has four fingers on each hand
- The king of hearts is the only king wing without a moustache in a standard pack of playing cards
Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:
“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”
Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:
As silly sun season approaches Saigon I’d like to knock off the idiots on bikes who pull up 20 metres from the lights and huddle under a leaf’s shade for the fear of being exposed to the sun for longer than 30 seconds – that and putting your head in t-shirt only to find someone has done up the top button, and you get stuck, can’t undo the button, start to panic, run around and bump into things, get in a hot sweat then rip it off taking half your hair with it – BASTARDS!
And now this bit:
Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…
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Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.
Christmas is coming and we’re all getting fat, wanna put $10.00 in crazy fool’s hat!
Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.
*Digger; dares not to delve this week as there’s SFA…again.
*Trigger: is back to tickle your flutter!
*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Nov…Dec…2009 – it’s a busy time folks, sorry, in the meantime press pause!
*Tit-bits – .../...Why?…/…Gordon brown…/…My life backwards…/…
*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)
Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ  ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.
*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.
And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – LoretoFest rigging up – you’re on!
Mr. Meaner... you should-a seen her
Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:
Midway through November has found us conveniently midway through the November Tests…which is nice. Here are the scores on the doors:
Wales served up a rather nonchalant display against Canada, buttering up the Cannucks just enough to sneak in five tries and win 37-13. Which, and just a second, reminds me of a fat girl from Wales who went to a fat camp in America and has lost 6st in the last couple of weeks, just by eating buffalo meat – I don’t know why it reminded me, it just did.
But back to the game and Wales’ pretty much over confident ‘B’ team were literally dragged through their paces as flanker Daffyd Jones said, “They (Canada) came here and made it really tough. The wingers kept us in the game to be fair.”
19 year-old Leigh Halfpenny was one of those wingers and he slotted himself two tries; Gatland rates him highly, stating, “He looked dangerous.” – Danger, danger
Meanwhile Cannuck coach Kieran Crowley wasn’t happy and may have picked one too many excuses here; “When you look at the game, we conceded two penalty tries, a try right on half time, and one right on full time, so you take the last two out of it and I thought our defence was outstanding.” – In fact, I reckon you won!
Italy went down to Argentina 14-22 in what was a mighty battle up front, with the Argies probably playing their best game since the World Cup.
A Juan Martin Hernandez chip and gather then offload to Rafael Carbollo who scored was probably the play of the day. Although Italy did reply in the last play of the game, it didn’t affect the result of the game but did dampen the Argies IRB rankings, which is all important come the next World Cup draw.
Over in Twickenham England lost to Australia 14-28. Hannibal Lecherurererer might say it was another 50% winning margin, but if you were to ask the world and his wife, you’d probably struggle to believe the scoreline.
Australia won, plain and simple, but England almost handed it to them with the kind of penalty count that wins Germany football World Cups; the first of eight kickable goals came on just three minutes.
It was certainly ‘extraordinary’ viewing, as the zillionth rated commentator told us from Sky TV, while on the field the ball changed hands quicker than a Maradona bung.
There were too many mistakes and needless turnovers from both sides and in between some seven’s style attack and the commentator’s switch from ‘extraordinary’ to ‘amazing’ England seemed to be getting a firmer grip on the game by amassing a higher percentage of possession and territory.
At 11-12 going into the second half England continued to attack with some entertaining rugby but also immediately undone what they did; Jonno, “We made breaks and made errors afterwards.”
England scored through a Nick Easter bundle after what he called a 30 metre drive, which in reality came from a number of 5metre scrums, which up until now had been a shambles from both sides all afternoon.
Then the Aussie pack began to react, and their experience came through. They were steered all the way by a magnificent George Smith. The backs on the other hand had a somewhat silent afternoon, being pretty much contained by a healthy English defence, but the Git had a remedy for that, which comes from knowing what to do when things get tricky; “England played smart rugby, we just looked to kick in behind them and in the end it worked out for us. At this time we felt we were losing the grip on the game a bit and we had to re-group.”
With ten minutes to go they did regroup with an Adam Ashley-Cooper try in the right corner to seal the game, which all stemmed from good quick ball from an up-tempo work rate from the Australian pack.
Phil Vickery best put the English situation; “It was an up and down display, which is the kind of stage our team is in at the moment. The Aussies played some clever stuff and deserve their win.”
They did, and none was happier than Deans, especially for the donkeys, “I’m delighted for the boys. They put in and they got their reward, not only in the set piece but around the ground.”
No time to harp on about Cipriani, you know he’s going to be huge, and the Aussie front row, well; they just did their job, although Man of the Match Stephen Moores is a handy addition.
Over the border in bonnie jock-land Scotland were somewhat unlucky to fall to the MB’s 10-14. The Scots determined to show their dwindling fans a victory, were this time but a gnat’s cock away from it.
They had the first half in the bag as both sides struggled to come to terms with the ref’s interpretation at the breakdown, so much so that at one point Mike Blair exasperated in utter confusion bellowed, “We don’t know what you want from us.”
On the large it was the MB’s who were on the wrong end of the penalty count and the up beat Scots landed themselves a marauding try through Nathan Hines on half time.
Unfortunately this woke up the world champs and they came out fighting in the second half, playing their natural physical game. The backrow were outstanding with Juan Smith leading the way.
Some telling de Villiers breaks in the middle came to fruit when Jaque Fourie went over after some sustained pressure on the 56th minute. From then on in it was a fight to the death which ultimately the MB’s, on this their standtogetheragainstracism tour, won. Tell that to Winnie Mandela as she puts a rubber necklace on you.
If boss de Villiers was relieved at the end of the game then big Frank was livid; “We’re absolutely gutted, much more frustrated than after the All Black’s game last weekend.” – If you’re reading this tomorrow then that would be two weeks ago!
In the throng that was Croke Park, Ireland went down to the All Blacks 3-22. The Irish played most of the game in their own half, but were nevertheless incredibly competitive forcing the Blacks to work for every inch.
The on half time Tommy Bowe palmed the ball in to touch to stop Richie touching down and a penalty try was awarded, that, says B.O.D was a “Real kick in the teeth.” Not that he disagreed with the decision, but to lose a man for ten minutes and go into the break 10-3 was very disruptive to their pattern, which up to this point was defending!
As Declan Kidney stated, “You can only defend for so long, and they took their chances.”
But Ireland kept at it and scurried every possible chance into attack. Two quick scores from Nonu, which was a beaut – him to the Sit, on the loop and over, and the other from Thorn, may have sealed the game but Ireland kept at it, causing Henry to admit, “That was our best defence on tour so far.”
The Blacks then began to control the breakdowns and found gaps in the backline through the Sit, I should Co-co and Mils. They weren’t the only ones as B.O.D and Luke Fitzgerald had their fair counts of attack.
But back to Henry and despite his eyebrows he does make some sense; “Defence sets a lot of attitude, as to where the guy’s brains are at, their minds are at. They got through a couple of times, but the scramble and work-rate for guys to cover each other showed attitude.”
Ok, are we done yet? No. France beat the Specifics 42-17. A game marred by Naploioni Nalaga’s forearm smash on Elissalde, which got him an early bath.
France ran in five tries and all crackers too. They came through quick hands and decisive play, but was Mark Lievremont happy, was he fuck; “In the first half we played like we were Fiji.” “We played like we should not have done. We lost a lot of balls. We were ill disciplined and we fell into the trap of playing ‘hurray’ rugby.” – Yeah, nasty trap.
This weekends tips:
If you read last week’s you’ll probably skip this part! But here we go anyway – and I’ll be brief, as I’ve rambled on for too long already.
England host the MB’s and Jonno says they have to play smart and sharp rugby, what he says some might call ‘streetwise’ rugby – always against the Boks. de Villiers on the other hand sounds like he’s making excuses, as he says the boys can’t wait to get home after a long season, and even said, “I just hope they can lift themselves a little.”
Jake White reckons England won’t win without Sgt. Wilko, but I reckon when this team clicks they’ll beat anyone, and I think they’re going to click next week, however:
fool says: England 28 – 17 MB’s
Ireland will beat Argentina. It will be hard, the Argies are coming on strong, but Ireland will win comfortably even if the scoreline doesn’t suggest so.
fool says: Ireland 35 – 19 Argentina
Pretty much the above for Scotland against Canada.
fool says: Scotland 42 – 17 Canada
Wales and New Zealand should be interesting, but the Welsh have a couple of key players out in most notably Henson and Jones in the front row, and possibly Hook! The Black machine will rumble them, but it will be harder than they think.
fool says: Wales 25 – 32 New Zealand – 25 – against that defence!
And France v Australia; this is a tuffy. France are pretty much in the same camp as England, not necessarily with new players, just not changing their team every week as they have done in the past. Australia on the other hand are on their 13th game of the season, are on tour, and know how to win.
fool says: France … shit, I dunno, erm 28 – Australia – it’s 27 or 30…I’ll go 27…Nope, change that, 30 – the backs may have had a quiet game last week, but they’ll fire up this week…but the French backs are pretty handy – doh, my indecision is final!!!
Some shorts:
Munster lost to New Zealand 16-18
Toulouse stay top of the Top 14
I’m done.
Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had one taker – it could be you!
John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.
Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!
15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.
end rugby here!
Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:
Briefly this week as father time is knocking the crap out of me…
England have lost their first two ODI’s in India in splendid fashion; the first India posted 387 in Rajkat, with England scrambling to something like twohundredandtwentyshite.
In the second they’re were in for a shout as India notched up 292 and England crumbled on 238 all out – nine to spin – bloke down the pub says, ‘They haven’t got a clue.’
KP says he wasn’t worried they didn’t pack a spinner, “I don’t think we missed a specialist spinner. Samit bowled ok and I bowled five overs of rubbish.”
But it has been the man they call the Yuv’nor who’s done all the damage. He’s got a pair of tons in 138* and 118, he also took four wickets in Rajkat but didn’t bowl in the first game as he had a bad back!
KP said, “He is a guy who wins matches and he is very difficult to get out when he is batting the way he is now. I’m going to take Yuvraj out in the hotel tonight and make sure he doesn’t come to Kanpur for the next game.”
Duncan Fletcher has been signed up by the Proteas as assistant coach. Head coach Mickey Arthur reckons, “He will help find another 5% to take us to the next level.” – He’s only worth 5%!
Till next week…
Other sports:
Ricky Hatten fights Paulie Maligianni in Vegas on Saturday – his first fight since Floyd. Ironically it’s Floyd Snr who is now his new trainer.
Ricky’s got a passion for Oasis, he rates these things most important in his life; family, son, boxing, Manchester City and Oasis. When he got to Floyd’s gym James Brown was playing on the CD, Ricky said, “I thought, what’s this shite? So I took it off and put on some Oasis.” - Ow
And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:
No sex stories this week, I don’t know why, that’s just the way it is…perhaps the world just didn’t move. But I do have these:
Student boffs from Texas have made a beer that could prolong life and help you to avoid illness. The only trouble is, is that it tastes like crap – like all American beer then! Biobeer is genetically modified and its yeast produces resveratol – the chemical found in red wine. Young boff Thomas Segal-Shapiro said, “No way would anyone drink this until it tastes better.” – Oh I don’t know, try Scotland.
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Michael Perham is 16 and is about to set sail; around the world to be exact, on his own. The young lad from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire will be in his 50ft yacht for four and half months until he’s notched up 21,600 nautical miles and crossed the equator and every line of longitude. He admits it is ‘a little scary’ but then he was the youngest at 14 to cross the Atlantic. He’s also pretty excited, “It’s just the feeling of being completely in control, relaxed and at one with nature. It’s just fantastic. But you don’t look forward to the fact you are alone for four months.” – The rules are you have to be unassisted and use wind and muscle power only. So far the record belongs to 18 year-old Jesse Martin from Melbourne.
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A conman diddled Britain’s Dover Town Council for neigh on a year by pretending to be Status Quo’s Francis Rossi. They wined and dined him and gave him rides in their limo, he was even the VIP at the opening of Dover Castle, which is strange because that’s been around for centuries. He said he’d do a free gig and get his pals Brian May, Sir Paul and Charlotte Church to join him. Every time they asked him to sing he said he had a bad throat and the reason why he didn’t have long hair was because, “I can’t grow my hair long anymore. A fake one is stuck on three hours before a gig.” – They only realised he was a dud when he didn’t show up to the actual gig. – The real Francis said, “I’ll never know how he knew the secret about my ponytail.”
Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVI! “As long as there’s, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock n roll.” Mick Shrimpton Spinal Tap
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Mitch Mitchell 61 from The Jimmy Hendrix Experience died this week in a hotel room in Portland Oregon. The man from Ealing, West London was on a tour with the Experience Hendrix Tour and was said to have died of natural causes – naturally fucked! Jimmy’s sister said, “His role in shaping the sound of the Jimmy Hendrix Experience cannot be under estimated. - That’s all of them gone now. Noel Redding died aged 57 in 2003 – Jimmy back in ’70. – Go home and play it loud.
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Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?”
There’s a new Dominoes toppling record: 4,354,027 to be precise. It took two hours and eight weeks to prepare. There were rockets and air balloons and a small bird flapping its wings in memory of the one that was shot to death in 2005 when it got in the building and knocked over 23000 of the buggers.
Hitler did only have one ball – its official. War vet Johan Jambor told a priest in the ‘60’s. The priest says he and his pal Blassius Hanezach came across him after a particularly hard battle at the Somme. They were piling up the injured; “He remembers Hitler. They called him the ‘Screamer’. He was very noisy. Hitler was screaming, ‘help, help’.” He was shelled and in the abdomen, which records prove. According to the priest the first thing he asked medics was if he could still have children. – I wonder if the other one really is in the Albert Hall?
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Ok, lastly, Monty Python’s Dead Parrot sketch is apparently 1600 years old and was written by ancient Greeks Hierocles and Philagrius. The oldest joke book has been found, called Philogelos or The Lover of Laughter and in it a man goes back to a market and says to a trader, “That slave you sold me died.” – (The customer was entitled damages), the trader replies, “Did he? By the gods, when he was with me he never did such a thing.” – Oh, they don’t make them like they used to…err, yes, they do!
One for the road…
just cf it
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